Day 3: Maintaining Resolve.

I feel lost without it. I feel unsure of how to cope as the anxiety creeps back.

I think of the days as both long and short, and I don't know which is worse.

A little shaky today. I slept well last night, however.

Just unmotivated and hard to focus. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I'm scared.

I'm overcome with guilt and shame, too.

I need Him.

I'm going to leave work right after my 3 pm meeting and go for a run. I need it desperately. I need to just hang on to the knowledge that I will feel better during and after the run.

This is so hard.

Post Whole "24"

Well I had made it to 24 days out of the original 30 before I quit after that little fiasco.

Fortunately, my measurements went down a little, although they are still not where they were prior to Whole30. My metabolism has definitely changed. Now, my body clings to weight.

I recovered from that terrible weekend from hell. When I got the courage to weigh myself again, I was relieved that the scale had 'only' gone up 3 lbs since I had started Whole30. Most people get to lose weight, but not me. I know it sounds like I"m having a pity party but I'm just at a loss. I know how to lose weight, but what I know isn't working any more. Something has changed.

So I'm learning to live with it. Part of me is terrified it will never stop, but part of me just wants to move on with my life and not let this hold me back. I'm still at the very low end of a 'healthy' weight range for my height. Many might say that the few 'extra' pounds (compared to a year ago) look good on me. There's so much more I want to do with my life than be obsessed with a number on a scale. That does not define me.

The past few weeks after Whole24 have had their ups and downs. Mentally I'm in a better place, maybe in part because I started an old medication back up. I have energy again.

It's going to be okay.

Disaster

The last three days have been a nightmare.

It started with a guest bringing food into our house that we wouldn't normally have. Specifically, Halloween candy and cheesecake.

I did a good job of resisting until Friday. Then, I had an event at lunch at work where I ate a breaded chicken breast and half a bag of potato chips. Two things not allowed on Whole30.

Then I was feeling terrible that evening (I wonder why?) and when I came home, I chewed and spat and nibbled on some of the Halloween candy that I had previously been doing such a good job of resisting.

The next morning, I nibbled on some of the cheesecake and more of the Halloween candy. I felt so gross and sick to my stomach. I eventually made myself throw up. Then, to help assuage the guilt, I went for a walk. The entire time, I felt like my shorts fit differently.

I put on a different pair of shorts and felt the same thing. I couldn't resist it anymore. I broke out my tape measure for the first time in three weeks.

My thigh was up 0.65" and my butt had increased by 1" since I started Whole30.

I freaked out. I started crying. I felt so betrayed. I didn't think that a little "cheating" would make such a difference. I guess it was the cheating, because I hadn't noticed a difference in my clothes prior.

I cried and cried. I told my husband. He assured me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I felt so bad for having broken my Whole30, and at the 20 day mark, and for suffering the consequences.

I don't know that I have ever been so miserable in my life. I felt like such a failure. I desperately needed some kind of relief.

So I drank. Not as much as I might normally have under such conditions, but a half glass of wine and a couple of swigs of whiskey. Then, after I ran my Saturday errands, I drank another half glass of wine and about a shot of whiskey while I went for another walk, enjoying the sensation of my thighs rubbing together the entire time.

I begged God not to let me go.

I cried myself to sleep that night. My poor husband did not know what to say to help me.

Yesterday, I woke up reluctantly. Fortunately the candy and cheesecake were all thrown out. I forced myself to go to church, where the pastor spontaneously plead with the congregation to "surrender all, hold nothing back, stop compartmentalizing". I knew God meant that message for me.

The despair abated for a couple of hours. I stopped at Jason's Deli and got veggies, bacon, and hardboiled eggs for lunch. Whole30 compliant but too much salt. Full but dehydrated. I drove to go hiking with my family and was miserable the whole time. I snacked on the remaining lunch in the car on the way home, and stopped and got a McDonald's unsweet iced tea. I almost got fries too, but I did not. Thank goodness for small victories.

Weekly Goals: Oct 2-9

• Complete the 2nd week of Whole30. I hear this can be the toughest one as the novelty has worn off and you start to get really tired of meat, veggies, and fruit. Variety will help. I can do this!
• Two runs (Tuesday and Thursday). They might be sluggish like Week 1, but I can power through.
• Stay on the Whole30 plan even with two work lunches this week. Last week, I went out to lunch with our VP but I was able to pick the place and I selected somewhere I could get a compliant salad. I won't have as much freedom this week, but I plan to bring a "second" lunch in case there's nothing or very little I can eat. It's all about having a plan.
• Enjoy a weekend near the beach with my husband. Although he will be working most of the time (and I'll be giving him breaks), we can still have a good time. I plan on eating lots of seafood!
• I'm not sure why this came to my mind, but being "gracious" and "grateful". We'll see if that means something as the week unfolds. 
• Look for opportunities where I can help. Remember not to get so caught up in my own to-do list that I don't see the needs of those around me.

Weekly Goals: Sept 25-Oct 1

Weekly Goals:

Not as many this week, primarily because I want to focus on the first week of Whole30.

• Complete 1st week of Whole30! I think the biggest challenge for me will be not having stevia in my coffee. Actually, it will be not weighing/measuring myself for a whole month. I really want to show myself I can do this and experience the benefits. Result: DONE! I followed the plan and didn't cheat except for some chewing gum (I had a meeting at work) and bacon (no nitrates but it did have some sugar added - oh how I love my bacon). This is the longest I have gone in YEARS without weighing or measuring myself, and the mental freedom is amazing. I can tell by the fit of my clothes that I haven't gained weight. It is so relieving to know I can give that up. My relationship with food is being restored, as well, as I begin to see food more as functional fuel. My energy levels are much more stable. I have been having some problems falling asleep, but the past two nights that has gotten better. With all the veggies, I feel full and bloated sometimes, which can be uncomfortable. But overall, it is completely worth it. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next weeks have in store. I expect it won't all be easy, but the benefits will be worth it. 
• Enjoy seeing family at a park Sunday afternoon - especially my nieces and nephews. Result: Cancelled due to my mom having to go out to Colorado early to help my sister out. But instead, I met her and an other sister for lunch on Saturday, which I really enjoyed. We'll do the hike in another couple of weeks.
• Complete 2nd counselor visit and decide which one I want to continue seeing. Result: I liked this counselor as well, but I think I connected more with the first one. Overall, just two sessions have helped my outlook on life so much. This one did suggest that I try EMDR to help with the PTSD. I think I might seriously give that a try. 
• Complete 1st home visit for foster care. Result: Done, and we passed. We're signed up for the parenting classes starting in mid-October. We still have our official home inspection to get through and some background checks, but it's starting to come into place. We might be certified around March of next year. 
• Make substantial more progress on my project at work Result: Done, although it felt like two steps forward and one step back. As I learned more information I had to challenge some of my previous conclusions, which might take the project in a different direction. But it was really helpful to get insight from two key individuals this past week that I had reached out to. What has really been interesting to me is how willing people have been to help by sharing their perspectives. It was a good week. 
• Bring another key stakeholder on board via a conference call Tuesday morning. Result: Done, and maybe a little to well...looks like I will be giving an abbreviated version of the presentation to some of our company's top management week after next. It's an honor but it means more preparation on my part, which is time away from my other work. But, this is valuable. If it succeeds, we will be taking our company in a positive direction.
• Meet with 3 individuals and really gain a better understanding of their perspectives as it relates to the project. Result: Done, and it went well with all of them. With the last one, I had to have someone of a difficult conversation trying to find the truth about something, but we got through it. 
• Start figuring out a way to help a manager with a problem he approached me with. It is a matter of cutting down on unnecessary/duplicate paperwork. Result: Did not get to work further on this, which was disappointing. I found out this week he has some personal stress going on in his life, and this small thing might be a good way to help alleviate just a little of his burden at work. 
• Attend small group on Friday and church on Sunday. Result: Done, and started to connect more with members of the small group. I enjoyed the sermon at church about heaven - the topic can't get much better than that. 
• Strength training session: Specifically, getting a membership to Planet Fitness and going on Saturday. There, how is that for a specific plan? Result: Not done, in part due to the unplanned visit with my mother and sister on Saturday. That's okay, though. 
• Continue daily medications, supplements, and verse. Result: Done. Really glad I started doing the daily verse. It helps focus me during the day on what's really important. 
• Run 3 times. Hopefully including one trail run. Result: Done, although all three were kind of tough runs. I think because of starting Whole30. I read this is a common effect though, and workouts get better as the body adjusts. 
• Seek ways to encourage my husband. Result: Done, I think. He is going through a tough time right now but I admit my patience is wearing a little thin. 

Overall, it was a GREAT week, a huge part due to the Whole30. It wasn't always easy but I felt more clear-headed and energetic than I had in months. 

Whole30: An Experiment

On Friday afternoon, I saw a friend's post on Facebook inviting anyone who wanted to join her in doing the Whole30 food plan for the next month. I didn't respond, but the idea got me thinking and I started to do some research.

Whole30 is often succinctly described as "squeaky-clean Paleo." It is a 30-day challenge to follow the following plan:

• No added sugar of any kind (including artificial sweeteners - even stevia is out)
• No refined carbohydrates (i.e. pasta, bread, crackers, etc)
• No dairy
• No corn or grains
• No alcohol
• No legumes
• No oils other than coconut and olive oils
• No 'Paleo substitutes" for baked goods
• Nothing with MSG or sulfites
• No weighing or measuring yourself for 30 days! This may be the hardest part for me.

So that is what is out. What's in:

• All kinds of vegetables with the exception of corn
• Fruit (in moderation)
• Nuts and seeds
• Meat and seafood
• Potatoes (I don't like regular potatoes so I will be sticking with sweet potatoes)
• Coffee and tea (with almond milk only)

I decided to start doing this today. In some ways it won't be too difficult, as I have been tapering into this type of diet over the past month with a conscious effort to reduce carbs. Total, I have reduced and/or eliminated my consumption of white carbs, sugar, artificial sweeteners except stevia, grains, legumes, soda, and alcohol. I've discovered a taste for almonds and coconut oil. The transition to Whole30 won't be without challenge, but it might be easier than the average person's.

What I hope to gain through this challenge:

• A healthier relationship with food
• Improved anxiety and depression
• Less frequent headaches
• Better quality of sleep
• Fewer/no episodes of overeating. I think this is a likely outcome because my binges historically have been driven by carbs, especially simple ones and sugar.
• More energy throughout the day *This is a big one. The past few weeks I have struggled with unusual physical fatigue and brain fog
• While I know the focus of Whole30 isn't necessarily weight loss, I would not mind losing a few pounds. At the very least, I would like to stop the slow weight gain I've experienced over the past 10 months (10 lbs total). I think something hormonal may be going on, which I plan to look into, but I think this diet might be able to help with stabilization.
• More...regularity. Which, I have already experienced this past months. I used to have days between...action, and now it has been an almost daily occurrence.
• Fewer facial breakouts. I have already noticed this improving as I have reduced carbs.

A challenge like this would not be complete without some beginning stats. Here they are:
Weight: 128.4 lbs
Waist circumference: 26.5"
Butt: 36"
Thigh: 20.1"
Calf: 13.75"

And pictures.

I'm looking forward to the challenge and hopefully experiencing some good things.

Thyroid frustration.

I'm very frustrated, but I know it's an emotional response. I need to remind myself of what is true. I weighed in heavier than I would like this morning, although I know some of that is water weight due to my period.

I got my bloodwork back, and my doctor said it was 'normal'. While it is true that most of the levels were in the standard range, that does not mean they are optimal.

While my TSH level is normal, my T3 level is at the lower 15% of the standard range. This can be an indicator of hypothyroidism, a condition that my other symptoms seem to indicate. These symptoms are:

1. 10 lb weight gain over the past 10 months despite eating ~1200 calories per day and exercising. Most days I net <800 calories.
2. Constantly cold, especially hands and feet
3. Sleepy and lethargic
4. High LDL cholesterol
5. Unresponsive to changing antidepressants
6. Unresponsive to diet changes (cutting white sugar/carbs)
7. Unresponsive to additional supplements
8. Unresponsive to abstaining from alcohol

Next steps:
Plan A. Email back to doctor to see if she agrees to try treatment to bring the low level back to the middle of the range.
Plan B. Request referral to endocrinologist if not
Plan C. Already have appointment October 17 with an endocrinologist.
Plan D. Keep trying different doctors until I get one who will agree to try treatment.
Plan E. Experiment with alternative treatments for hypothyroidism (not ideal, but worst-case plan).

It's going to be okay. I will figure this out. I didn't gain all the weight overnight, and it's going to be a process to get this improved.