Day 3: Maintaining Resolve.

I feel lost without it. I feel unsure of how to cope as the anxiety creeps back.

I think of the days as both long and short, and I don't know which is worse.

A little shaky today. I slept well last night, however.

Just unmotivated and hard to focus. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to.

I'm scared.

I'm overcome with guilt and shame, too.

I need Him.

I'm going to leave work right after my 3 pm meeting and go for a run. I need it desperately. I need to just hang on to the knowledge that I will feel better during and after the run.

This is so hard.

Post Whole "24"

Well I had made it to 24 days out of the original 30 before I quit after that little fiasco.

Fortunately, my measurements went down a little, although they are still not where they were prior to Whole30. My metabolism has definitely changed. Now, my body clings to weight.

I recovered from that terrible weekend from hell. When I got the courage to weigh myself again, I was relieved that the scale had 'only' gone up 3 lbs since I had started Whole30. Most people get to lose weight, but not me. I know it sounds like I"m having a pity party but I'm just at a loss. I know how to lose weight, but what I know isn't working any more. Something has changed.

So I'm learning to live with it. Part of me is terrified it will never stop, but part of me just wants to move on with my life and not let this hold me back. I'm still at the very low end of a 'healthy' weight range for my height. Many might say that the few 'extra' pounds (compared to a year ago) look good on me. There's so much more I want to do with my life than be obsessed with a number on a scale. That does not define me.

The past few weeks after Whole24 have had their ups and downs. Mentally I'm in a better place, maybe in part because I started an old medication back up. I have energy again.

It's going to be okay.

Disaster

The last three days have been a nightmare.

It started with a guest bringing food into our house that we wouldn't normally have. Specifically, Halloween candy and cheesecake.

I did a good job of resisting until Friday. Then, I had an event at lunch at work where I ate a breaded chicken breast and half a bag of potato chips. Two things not allowed on Whole30.

Then I was feeling terrible that evening (I wonder why?) and when I came home, I chewed and spat and nibbled on some of the Halloween candy that I had previously been doing such a good job of resisting.

The next morning, I nibbled on some of the cheesecake and more of the Halloween candy. I felt so gross and sick to my stomach. I eventually made myself throw up. Then, to help assuage the guilt, I went for a walk. The entire time, I felt like my shorts fit differently.

I put on a different pair of shorts and felt the same thing. I couldn't resist it anymore. I broke out my tape measure for the first time in three weeks.

My thigh was up 0.65" and my butt had increased by 1" since I started Whole30.

I freaked out. I started crying. I felt so betrayed. I didn't think that a little "cheating" would make such a difference. I guess it was the cheating, because I hadn't noticed a difference in my clothes prior.

I cried and cried. I told my husband. He assured me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I felt so bad for having broken my Whole30, and at the 20 day mark, and for suffering the consequences.

I don't know that I have ever been so miserable in my life. I felt like such a failure. I desperately needed some kind of relief.

So I drank. Not as much as I might normally have under such conditions, but a half glass of wine and a couple of swigs of whiskey. Then, after I ran my Saturday errands, I drank another half glass of wine and about a shot of whiskey while I went for another walk, enjoying the sensation of my thighs rubbing together the entire time.

I begged God not to let me go.

I cried myself to sleep that night. My poor husband did not know what to say to help me.

Yesterday, I woke up reluctantly. Fortunately the candy and cheesecake were all thrown out. I forced myself to go to church, where the pastor spontaneously plead with the congregation to "surrender all, hold nothing back, stop compartmentalizing". I knew God meant that message for me.

The despair abated for a couple of hours. I stopped at Jason's Deli and got veggies, bacon, and hardboiled eggs for lunch. Whole30 compliant but too much salt. Full but dehydrated. I drove to go hiking with my family and was miserable the whole time. I snacked on the remaining lunch in the car on the way home, and stopped and got a McDonald's unsweet iced tea. I almost got fries too, but I did not. Thank goodness for small victories.

Weekly Goals: Oct 2-9

• Complete the 2nd week of Whole30. I hear this can be the toughest one as the novelty has worn off and you start to get really tired of meat, veggies, and fruit. Variety will help. I can do this!
• Two runs (Tuesday and Thursday). They might be sluggish like Week 1, but I can power through.
• Stay on the Whole30 plan even with two work lunches this week. Last week, I went out to lunch with our VP but I was able to pick the place and I selected somewhere I could get a compliant salad. I won't have as much freedom this week, but I plan to bring a "second" lunch in case there's nothing or very little I can eat. It's all about having a plan.
• Enjoy a weekend near the beach with my husband. Although he will be working most of the time (and I'll be giving him breaks), we can still have a good time. I plan on eating lots of seafood!
• I'm not sure why this came to my mind, but being "gracious" and "grateful". We'll see if that means something as the week unfolds. 
• Look for opportunities where I can help. Remember not to get so caught up in my own to-do list that I don't see the needs of those around me.

Weekly Goals: Sept 25-Oct 1

Weekly Goals:

Not as many this week, primarily because I want to focus on the first week of Whole30.

• Complete 1st week of Whole30! I think the biggest challenge for me will be not having stevia in my coffee. Actually, it will be not weighing/measuring myself for a whole month. I really want to show myself I can do this and experience the benefits. Result: DONE! I followed the plan and didn't cheat except for some chewing gum (I had a meeting at work) and bacon (no nitrates but it did have some sugar added - oh how I love my bacon). This is the longest I have gone in YEARS without weighing or measuring myself, and the mental freedom is amazing. I can tell by the fit of my clothes that I haven't gained weight. It is so relieving to know I can give that up. My relationship with food is being restored, as well, as I begin to see food more as functional fuel. My energy levels are much more stable. I have been having some problems falling asleep, but the past two nights that has gotten better. With all the veggies, I feel full and bloated sometimes, which can be uncomfortable. But overall, it is completely worth it. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next weeks have in store. I expect it won't all be easy, but the benefits will be worth it. 
• Enjoy seeing family at a park Sunday afternoon - especially my nieces and nephews. Result: Cancelled due to my mom having to go out to Colorado early to help my sister out. But instead, I met her and an other sister for lunch on Saturday, which I really enjoyed. We'll do the hike in another couple of weeks.
• Complete 2nd counselor visit and decide which one I want to continue seeing. Result: I liked this counselor as well, but I think I connected more with the first one. Overall, just two sessions have helped my outlook on life so much. This one did suggest that I try EMDR to help with the PTSD. I think I might seriously give that a try. 
• Complete 1st home visit for foster care. Result: Done, and we passed. We're signed up for the parenting classes starting in mid-October. We still have our official home inspection to get through and some background checks, but it's starting to come into place. We might be certified around March of next year. 
• Make substantial more progress on my project at work Result: Done, although it felt like two steps forward and one step back. As I learned more information I had to challenge some of my previous conclusions, which might take the project in a different direction. But it was really helpful to get insight from two key individuals this past week that I had reached out to. What has really been interesting to me is how willing people have been to help by sharing their perspectives. It was a good week. 
• Bring another key stakeholder on board via a conference call Tuesday morning. Result: Done, and maybe a little to well...looks like I will be giving an abbreviated version of the presentation to some of our company's top management week after next. It's an honor but it means more preparation on my part, which is time away from my other work. But, this is valuable. If it succeeds, we will be taking our company in a positive direction.
• Meet with 3 individuals and really gain a better understanding of their perspectives as it relates to the project. Result: Done, and it went well with all of them. With the last one, I had to have someone of a difficult conversation trying to find the truth about something, but we got through it. 
• Start figuring out a way to help a manager with a problem he approached me with. It is a matter of cutting down on unnecessary/duplicate paperwork. Result: Did not get to work further on this, which was disappointing. I found out this week he has some personal stress going on in his life, and this small thing might be a good way to help alleviate just a little of his burden at work. 
• Attend small group on Friday and church on Sunday. Result: Done, and started to connect more with members of the small group. I enjoyed the sermon at church about heaven - the topic can't get much better than that. 
• Strength training session: Specifically, getting a membership to Planet Fitness and going on Saturday. There, how is that for a specific plan? Result: Not done, in part due to the unplanned visit with my mother and sister on Saturday. That's okay, though. 
• Continue daily medications, supplements, and verse. Result: Done. Really glad I started doing the daily verse. It helps focus me during the day on what's really important. 
• Run 3 times. Hopefully including one trail run. Result: Done, although all three were kind of tough runs. I think because of starting Whole30. I read this is a common effect though, and workouts get better as the body adjusts. 
• Seek ways to encourage my husband. Result: Done, I think. He is going through a tough time right now but I admit my patience is wearing a little thin. 

Overall, it was a GREAT week, a huge part due to the Whole30. It wasn't always easy but I felt more clear-headed and energetic than I had in months. 

Whole30: An Experiment

On Friday afternoon, I saw a friend's post on Facebook inviting anyone who wanted to join her in doing the Whole30 food plan for the next month. I didn't respond, but the idea got me thinking and I started to do some research.

Whole30 is often succinctly described as "squeaky-clean Paleo." It is a 30-day challenge to follow the following plan:

• No added sugar of any kind (including artificial sweeteners - even stevia is out)
• No refined carbohydrates (i.e. pasta, bread, crackers, etc)
• No dairy
• No corn or grains
• No alcohol
• No legumes
• No oils other than coconut and olive oils
• No 'Paleo substitutes" for baked goods
• Nothing with MSG or sulfites
• No weighing or measuring yourself for 30 days! This may be the hardest part for me.

So that is what is out. What's in:

• All kinds of vegetables with the exception of corn
• Fruit (in moderation)
• Nuts and seeds
• Meat and seafood
• Potatoes (I don't like regular potatoes so I will be sticking with sweet potatoes)
• Coffee and tea (with almond milk only)

I decided to start doing this today. In some ways it won't be too difficult, as I have been tapering into this type of diet over the past month with a conscious effort to reduce carbs. Total, I have reduced and/or eliminated my consumption of white carbs, sugar, artificial sweeteners except stevia, grains, legumes, soda, and alcohol. I've discovered a taste for almonds and coconut oil. The transition to Whole30 won't be without challenge, but it might be easier than the average person's.

What I hope to gain through this challenge:

• A healthier relationship with food
• Improved anxiety and depression
• Less frequent headaches
• Better quality of sleep
• Fewer/no episodes of overeating. I think this is a likely outcome because my binges historically have been driven by carbs, especially simple ones and sugar.
• More energy throughout the day *This is a big one. The past few weeks I have struggled with unusual physical fatigue and brain fog
• While I know the focus of Whole30 isn't necessarily weight loss, I would not mind losing a few pounds. At the very least, I would like to stop the slow weight gain I've experienced over the past 10 months (10 lbs total). I think something hormonal may be going on, which I plan to look into, but I think this diet might be able to help with stabilization.
• More...regularity. Which, I have already experienced this past months. I used to have days between...action, and now it has been an almost daily occurrence.
• Fewer facial breakouts. I have already noticed this improving as I have reduced carbs.

A challenge like this would not be complete without some beginning stats. Here they are:
Weight: 128.4 lbs
Waist circumference: 26.5"
Butt: 36"
Thigh: 20.1"
Calf: 13.75"

And pictures.

I'm looking forward to the challenge and hopefully experiencing some good things.

Thyroid frustration.

I'm very frustrated, but I know it's an emotional response. I need to remind myself of what is true. I weighed in heavier than I would like this morning, although I know some of that is water weight due to my period.

I got my bloodwork back, and my doctor said it was 'normal'. While it is true that most of the levels were in the standard range, that does not mean they are optimal.

While my TSH level is normal, my T3 level is at the lower 15% of the standard range. This can be an indicator of hypothyroidism, a condition that my other symptoms seem to indicate. These symptoms are:

1. 10 lb weight gain over the past 10 months despite eating ~1200 calories per day and exercising. Most days I net <800 calories.
2. Constantly cold, especially hands and feet
3. Sleepy and lethargic
4. High LDL cholesterol
5. Unresponsive to changing antidepressants
6. Unresponsive to diet changes (cutting white sugar/carbs)
7. Unresponsive to additional supplements
8. Unresponsive to abstaining from alcohol

Next steps:
Plan A. Email back to doctor to see if she agrees to try treatment to bring the low level back to the middle of the range.
Plan B. Request referral to endocrinologist if not
Plan C. Already have appointment October 17 with an endocrinologist.
Plan D. Keep trying different doctors until I get one who will agree to try treatment.
Plan E. Experiment with alternative treatments for hypothyroidism (not ideal, but worst-case plan).

It's going to be okay. I will figure this out. I didn't gain all the weight overnight, and it's going to be a process to get this improved.

Weekly Goals Sept 18-24: Results

Weekly Goals:

Physical:

• Determine next course of action based on results of blood work. Result: Vitamin D has improved slightly but still low. I've increased my daily IU's from 2000 to 3000. TSH was normal, but T3 was on the low end (85 - "normal" scale is 75-180). Even though the doctor doesn't think this is cause for concern, I'm going to follow up with an endocrinologist in October.
• Go for 3 runs, including at least one trail run. Result: Done - I think. I only remember Tuesday, Thursday, but I think I ran last Sunday. Not positive. Anyway, the Thursday run was particularly awesome - I ran about 4 miles along a new trail. I felt so refreshed and wanted to keep going but it was getting late. It was a great time of reflection and relaxation.
• Strength training one time. Just one! I can do it. Result: Not done :-( Other than a few planks this week. I plan to get a gym membership next week to help with this.
• Keep drinking lots of water. Result: Done, and after Tuesday I even cut out soda completely. Much less bloated. I also cut out all artificial sweeteners except stevia. I am drinking so much more water than I used to.
• Continue abstaining from alcohol. I'm curious about what week 3 will be like, as I have not had a break this long in a very long time. Result: Mostly done. Here's what happened - I decided to start Whole30 today, and last night I gave myself 'permission' to drink a little. Well, I ended up having about 1.5 TBS of whiskey and deciding that I just did not feel like it. The physical craving is gone, and it is getting hard for me to even remember what being tipsy feels like.
• Refocus on cutting white carbs and sugar. I have loaded up my fridge with plenty of protein and vegetables to get through until next Saturday when I go to the grocery store again. But I need to be gentle if/when I slip up and not use it as an excuse to keep slipping up (oh, well I'll just have a cheat meal/day). What's done is done - best next thing is to not make it worse! Result: Good up until Thurs & Friday. On Thursday, I had a big meeting I was running after lunch, so I ate more of the bread part of my sub than I normally would have. In addition, there were free cookies and subs so I had a little. Finally, on Friday I had stashed away a couple of cookies, subs, and a bag of chips and I nibbled on all of those, not eating all of them but more than I should have. I paid for it with an upset stomach the rest of the day. But then, I got back on track on Saturday and today.
• If it seems right, treat myself next Sunday to a big bowl of air-popped popcorn. Yes it's carbs, but it's okay. Total deprivation can contribute to binges, and I'd much rather have a bowl of popcorn than another binge. Result: I really did give myself permission last night to do this, but I wasn't interested. I had a bunch of veggies throughout the afternoon and just wasn't hungry.
• Continue taking medicine and supplements each day. Try to do 1/2 stim days. Result: Good. Medicine and supplements every day, and 1/2 stim every day except Thursday.
• No purging. Please. Result: Done :-)

Mental/spiritual:

• First counseling appointment. Result: Done - and what an encouraging experience. I really connected with the counselor. She seemed amazed at my story, and said that if I came out of that with 'just' the issues I am struggling with, I did pretty good. She even said I had the maturity of someone who was 10-15 years older.
• Continue reflecting on each daily verse. Result: Done, and I found myself looking at the verse again throughout the day. I'm really encouraged by this.
• When anxiety starts to overwhelm me, try repeating this verse: "The Lord is on my side; I will not be afraid." I heard it at church today. Result: I did this a few times, and it seemed to help a little.
• Attend church. Undecided about small group. Result: Done, and we did go to the small group activity of visiting a nursing home on Friday evening. I am glad we did. I spoke with a woman who had just lost her husband 4 months ago after being married for 60 years. She spoke of the hope she had, knowing that she would see him again. It was inspiring to me, and I think it meant a lot to many of the residents to have someone visit and talk with them.
• Finish reading "Scary Close" by Donald Miller. Result: Not done. I spent probably more time than I should have reading on my phone instead when I had the opportunity.

Work:

• Do a good job facilitating a cross-divisional meeting on Thursday. The goals are to get general consensus about the process the team has chosen and the next steps. Result: Very good. Although there wasn't much feedback on the call, afterwards, our executive vice president said that we did a "great job". We also had similar feedback from one of the plant managers on the call. The approach we are taking is very data-driven and different from what many of these individuals are used to. But I feel we have the support of our management to move forward.
• Gain buy-in from a key stakeholder during another meeting. This individual is a little challenging but it will help to have his support. Result: Very good - he was very supportive, and even had some helpful feedback that we used right away. Having his support will make this process easier.
• Move forward with analyzing and improving the external and internal bottlenecks of my other main project. Result: Didn't do as much as I wanted to, both due to other commitments and my own lack of motivation, frankly. But this week, I have activities planned that should help move this along.
• Hold last cadence review of the month. Result: Done. I am feeling much more comfortable with these.
• Facilitate a project pipeline brainstorming call with our assembly teams. Result: Done, although I was more nervous than I usual am during these calls.
• Start preparing for a customer visit in October. Result: Done, and got to work with the account manager for the first time. She was very helpful, and it was good to begin that relationship.
• Start preparing project work instructions due by the end of the month. Result: Not done. The above activity took more time than I thought it would.
• Continue to look for ways that I can serve, putting priority on this above my own agenda. Result: I think I did this for about 3 individuals at work this week. 1 of them needed coaching on his project, so I spent about an hour doing that. The other was feeling discouraged, so I reached out to listen and offer my support. The other one just needed some reassurance a couple of times, and help with a presentation another. I had little hesitation in dropping what I was doing to reach out and help where I could, and it was absolutely the right choice. People first.
• Finally, do one thing every day that challenges me outside of my comfort zone! Result: Didn't do this every day, but I did reach out to one of our VP's and ended up having a good conversation with him. I also asked one of my coworkers for help with something, and talked with two of my coworkers more than I normally would have. Finally, I introduced myself in person to a lady who had been helping me out via email and thanked her. Small steps, but progress.

Other:

• Finish editing one more chapter of my book. Result: Not done, unless I do it later today which I probably won't. :-(
• Get contacts at Costco - almost out. Result: Done.
• Hopefully watch "Let Hope Rise" movie - can't wait to see this. Result: Not done, because my husband wasn't feeling up to it. Maybe soon though.
• Get a birthday gift for my mom. Result: not yet, going to have to think about this one.

Other good things that happened:

• Cutting out diet soda and artificial sweeteners.
• Cutting down on caffeine. The most I had on any given day was 3 servings, and most days were 2.
• Just being more mindful and appreciative of life. I felt less panicky overall.
• Only weighed myself twice.
• Walked or ran all days but one.
• Had a nice time out shopping yesterday.
• Scheduled our first home visit - necessary for becoming foster parents.
• Adapted to a surprise request to give an immediate plant tour to some visitors. It ended up going fine, and I enjoyed talking with them and learning a few things.
• I encouraged my husband one evening when he was feeling particularly down. I think it helped - by the end he was laughing and seemed more relaxed.
• Finally put down mulch on the hill in my backyard. I had been putting this off for a while.
• Two people at work confided in me about some challenges they had been having. Folks are reaching out to me more with problems, which is a good sign.
• My manager told me she had to shield me from a request to take over one of the continuous improvement lead roles in the plant. She said word of my performance has been getting around. That was incredibly encouraging to me.
• Finally, I decided to start Whole30 this week. I'm really looking forward to both the process and the results. Although, I am planning on a celebratory big bowl of popcorn at the end!

Weekly Reflection: Above all, guard your mind.

Mental / spiritual health:

·        Reflect on the daily Bible verse each day (reference it several times). Result: I even found an application within the app where I can make a picture with the verse on it. My favorite verse of the week was this:

·        Weigh myself only twice. I think Wednesday and Sunday. Result: Waited to weigh myself until Wednesday. "Lost" 0.4 lbs since Sunday's weigh-in. Who knows if it is real weight, but I was glad to see I had not gained, and I enjoyed having a few days of not having the day affected by the number I saw in the morning. However, Friday-Sunday was rough. I began having small anxiety attacks about what number I was going to see as I felt I had been eating more than usual. I ended up not weighing myself Sunday (today) as planned out of fear of what the number would be. I wish this did not have so much control over me. I do think that twice a week is plenty, but next week I think I will plan on two days with an optional third if needed to quell the anxiety.

·        Actively look for opportunities to bless others. Result: I "made time" to talk with my manager for almost 2 hours on Tuesday, including some struggles she's going through. I think it was encouraging to her. It definitely was to me as well. Also, I went out of my way to get information about a small improvement to make her life better. In addition, I gave my coworkers some positive feedback about an event that he ran. Finally, even though I had planned on doing some work, I set these plans aside and offered to help my manager with a task she was struggling with. She was very grateful, and we finished it together. I also tried to be sensitive to my husband's needs as he was recovering from a minor outpatient surgery this week.

·        Make an appointment with a counselor. Result: Done, x2! I have an appointment next week and then another with a different provider the following week. After that, I will decide which provider to continue with.

·        Practice more mindfulness. Result: I did try to focus more on being present, 'in the moment'. I noticed that it helped with my anxiety. Instead of focusing on all the things that I have to do, I just focused on what I was doing at that moment. Those other things in the future - they will come later, and I'll handle them one at a time. There's no need to overwhelm myself with thinking about them all at once when I won't even have to do them all at once.

·        Attend first small group meeting. Result: Done, although I was a little disappointed in how disorganized it was. I came back home and ranted to my husband that there was no reason that 'best practices' that work in other organizations can't also be applied to the church. But I also realized part of my frustration was driven by my ego. I knew (or thought I knew) that I could run the meeting better, and did not like having to take a back seat and let the facilitator do his job. If I perceive the leader as being competent, I don't have a problem being a follower, but it's hard for me when that's not the case. But God's probably trying to teach me something here. It doesn't have to be run my way or even efficiently in order to be beneficial. Maybe I need to make a choice to be patient and be careful to appropriately channel my natural instinct to make things better. God gave me my gifts and talents, and I need to trust him to show me where and how to apply them.

Physical health:

·        Continue to limit/eliminate my consumption of white carbs and sugar.  Result: It has been a month since I have intentionally begun cutting back on white carbs/sugar, and I have really benefitted from the reduced cravings and more regulated energy.  I was doing well until Wednesday, after I fainted while having my blood drawn. I wanted to get my sugar up quickly, which caused some cravings later. Total, I had: 1-2 ounces of apple juice, 4 crackers, 1/2 a chocolate chip cookie, a few bites of wheat bread, and 2 jawbreakers. Not terrible but more than I had been having. I paid for it with a crash later in the afternoon. And a few corn tortilla chips on Saturday evening led to a small (i.e. what someone might normally call a dinner portion) binge and the subsequent overwhelming guilt. I know that sugar and simple carbs are addictive for me, and that I feel much better without them. I don't think I was a huge failure this week, but it does reinforce that I'm better off focusing on lean proteins, healthy fats, and veggies. Also, the physical fatigue has abated somewhat. I'm still not where I was, but I don't feel like constantly falling asleep throughout the day.

·        Reduce my caffeine intake. I have so much now that it doesn’t even really have an effect on me any more. Ideally, I would have 2 cups of coffee in the morning and one soda after lunch. Currently, I’m having 5-6 servings a day, and I think it’s stressing my adrenals out. Result: Did good - 2 cups of coffee and one soda per day until Wednesday after the blood draw issue. Then I had a total of 3 cups of coffee, a caffeinated water beverage, and a soda. So more than I wanted to have but it happens. After that, I got back on track with 1-2 cups of coffee in the morning and a diet soda in the afternoon. I'm starting to find myself wanting the soda less and less.

·        Eat more of a variety of vegetables. Gotta get those vitamins and minerals! Result: I had cauliflower, cabbage, broccoli, spinach, romaine lettuce, onion, tomatoes (yeah, I know they aren't a veggie but I'm counting them), mushrooms, iceburg lettuce, and cilantro. Good stuff.

·        Have sardines at least once. What a nutritional powerhouse. Result: Done! I had them in mustard as part of my lunch. Delicious, low-calorie, and packed with protein. I'll be having them again. Plus I got some anchovies, which are a favorite of mine.

·        No alcohol again. If I make it past this next weekend, that will be the longest in months that I have gone without a drink. It’s so worth it. Result: It's Sunday afternoon, which marks 14 days since my last drink. I really wanted to drink last night, and was frustrated that even though I didn't, I still overate. I guess I was looking for some kind of comfort. I have got to figure out better ways to meet this need. But, I'm glad to be abstinent for now. I have noticed an improvement in my depression, which may be in part to the Wellbutrin starting to kick in. But there's no doubt in my mind that abstaining from alcohol is a factor.

·        Start taking magnesium supplements. Result: Started every other day. Maybe helping with the energy?

·        Daily: 150mg Wellbutrin, ½ stim, 2000 IU Vitamin D, multivitamin, 500mg calcium, 2 fish oil capsules. Every other day: Magnesium. Result: Done.

·        3-4 times: sleep supplement. Result: Only took 1-2 times this week. I was sleepy enough the other days that I didn't think I needed it, but I admit I had problems falling asleep most nights this week.

·        Try to avoid ibuprofen and Tylenol when possible. Result: Took 1 ibuprofen for a headache Tuesday night and acetaminophen for the same on Wednesday afternoon. When the headaches are severe enough to interfere with work or sleep, I feel I need to take something. Over the weekend, I took 4 ibuprofen and 2 acetaminophen, both for headaches. I believe the headaches were related to not drinking enough water. I have gotten into a routine at work with water consumption, and at home I forgot to drink as much.

·        Make an appointment with an endocrinologist. Result: Done, scheduled for October 17. I'm looking forward to continuing the investigation into the root cause(s) of my fatigue.

·       Go on 2-3 runs. Result: Ran a new route on a university campus on Tuesday which was very enjoyable. It took some planning to find it, but I'm glad I made the effort. I felt good during the run, even though it was humid out. And I wasn't as tired in the evening after I got back. On Thursday, I went for a run around the neighborhood (about 3 miles). I was going to go for a run today (Sunday), but after yesterday's bike ride, I think I might give my legs a break and just go for a long walk.

·       Go for a bike ride. Result: Done - an 8 mile bike ride around a nearby lake. It was nice. I found myself out of breath a lot as it has been a while since I have gone for a significant bike ride. But, this is a start.

·       Strength training at least twice. Result: Not done, beyond a half-hearted attempt earlier in the week.

·        Go ahead and get a membership at Planet Fitness. It’s not that much per month, and it would really encourage me to ramp up the strength training. Result: Not done, because I want to wait until the start of the new month for billing purposes.

Work:

·        Make more progress on pre-press project. Result: Identified top customer to target for improvement, and had a positive discussion about this with the manager in charge of the department that interacts with the customers. For the internal bottleneck, I spent a couple of hours with the individual in that process. I really enjoyed the time, and learned a lot, especially about what some of the pain points were. I have enough material to start to move forward on making improvements there.

·        Run 2 cadence review calls. Result: First one had no technical hitches but we ran out of time before we could get to everyone. I learned I needed to add some buffer time to the scheduling. My boss was on the call, and she said I did well. The second call went much more smoothly. I also felt like I handled a couple of awkward situations fairly well. I still need practice but I'm feeling more confident - and so is my boss. She said that from now on I will be doing all the cadence reviews for my region - typically a master black belt job. It is more work, but will be a great experience for me.

·        Effectively communicate to our executive vice president the value of one of my coworker’s work. He is trying very hard to do the right thing for our company, and he needs support. Results: Very good. Our EVP was very supportive of the process and I enjoyed the conversation with him. He gave me 40 minutes of his time, even though we had only scheduled 30. He did express to me his frustration with the progress of the project, so it's even more imperative that we deliver results on-time.

Other:

·        Send in foster parent paperwork. Results: Done.

·        More reading! I have two memoirs and a book on faith lined up. Results:  I discovered a great blog, http://frankbeard.org/, which I stayed up way too late reading. I skimmed through the memoir, which was actually a collection of essays.

·       Take care of my husband after his surgery Friday morning. Result: Done. Cooked for him, kept him company, and made sure he was comfortable. I also tried to stay around the house when I could to keep him company.

·        Order more contact lenses. Result: Found out Monday morning that they had my prescription, but I would have to come in-person to order them. On Sunday, I decided not to fight the chaotic traffic in that area. But next week, my husband and I will likely go see a movie in that neck of the woods, so I can get it done then.

·       Cook for my husband, including freezing some meals for him to have during the week. I want him to have options other than having to always prepare food for himself. Result: Started planning during the week. Cooked the meals over the weekend, one per day. This was actually not a great idea. Although the good thing is that there is about a dozen meals in the freezer for him, cooking prompted two episodes of subjective overeating and compensatory purging. I'm really discouraged about that right now, but at least I know what I need to do in the future to prevent this. Cooking in such large portions has always been a trigger for me. I don't know why I thought it would not be this time, maybe because I wouldn't have the negative effects of alcohol impeding my decision-making. In addition, the entire effort, from shopping to cleaning up, took about 5-6 hours. I'm not sure that is worth my time. I think instead, I can make sure that we have enough meat in the freezer for him to use during the week. While I think he appreciates the cooking, it's definitely not worth harming myself. He would agree because we have talked about it before. I guess I just thought I was stronger now, but there's no reason that I should be, given that I'm going through something of a relapse. It was overambitious to think I could handle this, and I have learned my lesson. I will move on and try not to make the same mistake again. Even just writing about this makes me feel so much better. I was really feeling down and angry at myself for messing up.

 

Other (not originally goals but still good things that happened):

• I was able to get in for a yearly physical! The doctor was extremely nice and while she didn't have any great ideas regarding my fatigue, she ordered some blood tests to investigate further. It is reassuring to have a primary care provider now that I feel comfortable with.
• I did not take my regular stimulant medication on Friday and Saturday. I figure it would be good to give my mind and body a break. It wasn't too bad. On Friday, I took a 2 hour nap in the afternoon, but I was not too sleepy on Saturday and I am not today either.
• I made a plan of task to complete during the 3 days off, and I made decent progress toward completing a good portion of them. And the day's not over yet.
• Instead of being frustrated at being stuck in traffic on Thursday, I used the time to listen to a podcast. I'm glad I did. I learned about leanhub.com, which prompted me to look into other self-publishing platforms. I think that is the direction I would like to try to take my book. Traditional publishing seems antiquated, and I think I can get my book out sooner and perhaps to a wider audience this way.
• Prompted by this information, I completed the edits of two more chapters of my book, leaving 3-4 chapters remaining. I have not worked on it in a long time, so it was very encouraging to make some progress on this.
• I was less motivated by a need to be recognized or respected at work, and more motivated by a desire to simply help.

 

The not-as-good:

• I passed out during my blood draw. I think I did not drink enough because she had to try a couple times to get enough blood, which has triggered me to faint in the past.
• Still very physically tired despite 'adequate' sleep, although it started to get better towards the end of the week.
• Minor anxiety attacks throughout the day and feelings of dread. I attribute this to the Wellbutrin, and it has increased my anxiety in the past. However, I will take this over the dreary dead weight of depression.
•  I felt like I ate more than usual during the three day weekend. It's hard when I'm out of my daily routine, but I still take responsibility. Part of the issue was that I was more lax about what I was choosing to eat. When I stick to mainly proteins and veggies, the urge to overeat is greatly diminished.
• The body anxiety reached extremes on Saturday and Sunday. I started my period, which added a little bloat and a lot of worry. Even now, I am still scared about what the number will be the next time I weigh myself. But I'm going to try to wait until Tuesday. I can do this.

I have mixed feelings about this week. I started off strong, but kind of tapered off at the end. Fortunately, next week is more routine and there won't be as many stretches of unplanned activity. I am looking forward with hope.

A reflection on a good week.

Reflection on the week of September 5^th, 2016

First, what went well.

Mental health:

·        I started 150 mg of Wellbutrin again on Tuesday.  I had no problem with the doctor’s office prescribing it via email.

·        I stopped taking Prozac (I had tapered down to 20 mg already. Because of its long half-life, the effects of stopping cold turkey are minimal).

·        Most days were ½ stim days.

·        No alcohol – felt so much more clear-headed. It was also as if the pleasure center in my head got re-calibrated to enjoy the ‘smaller’ things in life again.

·        I weighed myself only twice this week, and was pleased to find that there were no negative results from not micro-managing my weight.

·        I identified a couple of counselor options.

·        I went to a new library, and got more books. I spent several hours reading this weekend, which was something I have not done in a long time. I remember now how much I enjoyed it.

·        I started to practice mindfulness. I tried to slow down and experience the small moments that life is comprised of.

·        I began to put a period at the end of these past 9 months. I’m defining them in my mind as “that dark time after I quit my job.” What’s key is that I’m starting to feel like it’s in the past. I was reminded during a show this week that “what matters is the room we are in right now.”

Physical health:

·        I learned more about vitamins and minerals, and how important they are. A few nights, I took a sleep supplement that contains melatonin, 5-HTP, l-thyrosine, and magnesium, all of which are key in helping alleviate depression. I may need to consider a magnesium supplement in the future, as my multivitamin does not have enough and it’s hard to get through diet.

·        I continued to develop my taste for PLAIN water. I have started to crave it, even. I think it has greatly helped my digestion. I have noticed that I have become more, uh, regular. For me, this is pretty unusual.

·        I slept about 24 hours this weekend. I’m hoping that will help alleviate some of the fatigue I have been having. I’m trying to listen to my body and honor what it needs, and right now, it needs rest.

·        I didn’t count calories, but instead focused on staying away from white carbs and sugar, as I have been doing for the past three weeks.

·        I didn’t gain any weight.

·        I identified the possibility that I might have hypothyroidism, and I’m going to pursue evaluation. I have identified an endocrinologist.

 

Relationships:

·        I felt closer to my husband this week. We had some good conversations and time together.

·        I met a new neighbor.

·        I enjoyed dinner out with my husband. I chose a dish because of the health value (oysters) and really enjoyed it. We had great conversation, and just a very enjoyable experience.

·        I had a good conversation with my brother where I was honest about being upset when our father said some unkind things to him.

·        I started to let go of some things from my past.

Work:

·        I got good feedback from a VP at work. He said that my technical and interpersonal skills were very good. My gap is my business skills and knowledge. I agree with that. He also said he could see me in operations or even as a VP someday. For a few hours, I seriously thought about that. Then, on a walk with my husband, I was reminded of what happened when I pursued promotion above my passion before. I’m not going to do that again. My passion lies in continuous improvement, and I am becoming more convinced that my purpose includes becoming a Master Black Belt.

·        I kept my cool during a meeting at work where my method and thought process was being challenged. Instead of showing my frustration, I sought to understand the other person’s perspective, and it worked out.

·        I made an effort to go over and say hi to one of my coworkers on Friday even though I really didn’t feel like it. His reception was very warm, and I was glad I made the effort – he seemed to appreciate it.

·        My boss told me that she “needed” me, and that talking to me always helped her sort out her thoughts. She says we are a good team. I agree – she is great at coming up with the vision, and my strengths lie in execution.

 

Faith:

·        I turned to my faith more frequently. I reflected on a different verse each day, and made an effort to pray more. I also took some time to just worship and thank God for all He has done for me. When I stop and reflect, I am amazed at His continued love and care for me, despite my rebellious ways. I love Him, and within me is the burning desire to follow Him all of my days. May this desire flourish and manifest itself in all areas of my life.

·        I became even more convinced that the only purpose of man is to bring glory to God. Apart from Him, we are nothing.

·        I was reminded of the power of a God who would come down to earth and die for those He loved. How could I do anything but offer Him my love in return, this King who loves so much that He would sacrifice Himself? How can I respond but to give Him my all, my everything?

Other:

·        Self-care in general got better. I enjoyed taking care of myself this week more than I have, even exfoliating my skin, which I have not done in years.

·        I got my hair done, and found a great new stylist.

·        I felt more peaceful about getting older, less dread than I had been experiencing before.

·        I experienced a joy that I haven’t felt in months.

·        I wanted to live again.

 

The not-as-good.

·        I was so tired and fatigued all weak, both physically and mentally, but not sure why. It was really hard to get things done at work, although I managed to get done the things I needed to.

·        I didn’t talk to many people at work, which left me feeling lonely, actually. I need to interact more during the week. It’s good for me.

·        I didn’t do as much strength training as I intended to. I think getting a gym membership would help. I did do a few planks, sit-ups, and weights interspersed throughout the week, but it was not much.

·        I felt a little more irritable and angrier than usual this week, probably because of starting the Wellbutrin again.

·        Continued to struggle with minor panic attacks throughout the week, especially when I think about the future. I need to remember to trust God and put my hope in Him. No matter what happens, nothing can take me from His hands. Not even death.

 

My goals for next week:

Mental / spiritual health:

·        Reflect on the daily Bible verse each day (reference it several times).

·        Weigh myself only twice. I think Wednesday and Sunday.

·        Actively look for opportunities to bless others.

·        Make an appointment with a counselor

·        Practice more mindfulness.

·        Attend first small group meeting.

 

Physical health:

·        Continue to limit/eliminate my consumption of white carbs and sugar. I have really benefitted from the reduced cravings and more regulated energy.

·        Reduce my caffeine intake. I have so much now that it doesn’t even really have an effect on me any more. Ideally, I would have 2 cups of coffee in the morning and one soda after lunch. Currently, I’m having 5-6 servings a day, and I think it’s stressing my adrenals out.

·        Eat more of a variety of vegetables. Gotta get those vitamins and minerals!

·        Have sardines at least once. What a nutritional powerhouse.

·        No alcohol again. If I make it past this next weekend, that will be the longest in months that I have gone without a drink. It’s so worth it.

·        Start taking magnesium supplements.

·        Daily: 150mg Wellbutrin, ½ stim, 2000 IU Vitamin D, multivitamin, 500mg calcium, 2 fish oil capsules. Every other day: Magnesium.

·        3-4 times: sleep supplement

·        Try to avoid ibuprofen and Tylenol when possible.

·        Make an appointment with an endocrinologist.

·        Go on 2-3 runs.

·        Go for a bike ride.

·        Strength training at least twice.

·        Go ahead and get a membership at Planet Fitness. It’s not that much per month, and it would really encourage me to ramp up the strength training.

Work:

·        Make more progress on pre-press project.

·        Run 2 cadence review calls.

·        Effectively communicate to our executive vice president the value of one of my coworker’s work. He is trying very hard to do the right thing for our company, and he needs support.

Other:

·        Send in foster parent paperwork.

·        More reading! I have two memoirs and a book on faith lined up.

·        Take care of my husband after his surgery Friday morning.

·        Order more contact lenses.

·        Cook for my husband, including freezing some meals for him to have during the week. I want him to have options other than having to always prepare food for himself.