A reflection on a good week.

Reflection on the week of September 5^th, 2016

First, what went well.

Mental health:

·        I started 150 mg of Wellbutrin again on Tuesday.  I had no problem with the doctor’s office prescribing it via email.

·        I stopped taking Prozac (I had tapered down to 20 mg already. Because of its long half-life, the effects of stopping cold turkey are minimal).

·        Most days were ½ stim days.

·        No alcohol – felt so much more clear-headed. It was also as if the pleasure center in my head got re-calibrated to enjoy the ‘smaller’ things in life again.

·        I weighed myself only twice this week, and was pleased to find that there were no negative results from not micro-managing my weight.

·        I identified a couple of counselor options.

·        I went to a new library, and got more books. I spent several hours reading this weekend, which was something I have not done in a long time. I remember now how much I enjoyed it.

·        I started to practice mindfulness. I tried to slow down and experience the small moments that life is comprised of.

·        I began to put a period at the end of these past 9 months. I’m defining them in my mind as “that dark time after I quit my job.” What’s key is that I’m starting to feel like it’s in the past. I was reminded during a show this week that “what matters is the room we are in right now.”

Physical health:

·        I learned more about vitamins and minerals, and how important they are. A few nights, I took a sleep supplement that contains melatonin, 5-HTP, l-thyrosine, and magnesium, all of which are key in helping alleviate depression. I may need to consider a magnesium supplement in the future, as my multivitamin does not have enough and it’s hard to get through diet.

·        I continued to develop my taste for PLAIN water. I have started to crave it, even. I think it has greatly helped my digestion. I have noticed that I have become more, uh, regular. For me, this is pretty unusual.

·        I slept about 24 hours this weekend. I’m hoping that will help alleviate some of the fatigue I have been having. I’m trying to listen to my body and honor what it needs, and right now, it needs rest.

·        I didn’t count calories, but instead focused on staying away from white carbs and sugar, as I have been doing for the past three weeks.

·        I didn’t gain any weight.

·        I identified the possibility that I might have hypothyroidism, and I’m going to pursue evaluation. I have identified an endocrinologist.

 

Relationships:

·        I felt closer to my husband this week. We had some good conversations and time together.

·        I met a new neighbor.

·        I enjoyed dinner out with my husband. I chose a dish because of the health value (oysters) and really enjoyed it. We had great conversation, and just a very enjoyable experience.

·        I had a good conversation with my brother where I was honest about being upset when our father said some unkind things to him.

·        I started to let go of some things from my past.

Work:

·        I got good feedback from a VP at work. He said that my technical and interpersonal skills were very good. My gap is my business skills and knowledge. I agree with that. He also said he could see me in operations or even as a VP someday. For a few hours, I seriously thought about that. Then, on a walk with my husband, I was reminded of what happened when I pursued promotion above my passion before. I’m not going to do that again. My passion lies in continuous improvement, and I am becoming more convinced that my purpose includes becoming a Master Black Belt.

·        I kept my cool during a meeting at work where my method and thought process was being challenged. Instead of showing my frustration, I sought to understand the other person’s perspective, and it worked out.

·        I made an effort to go over and say hi to one of my coworkers on Friday even though I really didn’t feel like it. His reception was very warm, and I was glad I made the effort – he seemed to appreciate it.

·        My boss told me that she “needed” me, and that talking to me always helped her sort out her thoughts. She says we are a good team. I agree – she is great at coming up with the vision, and my strengths lie in execution.

 

Faith:

·        I turned to my faith more frequently. I reflected on a different verse each day, and made an effort to pray more. I also took some time to just worship and thank God for all He has done for me. When I stop and reflect, I am amazed at His continued love and care for me, despite my rebellious ways. I love Him, and within me is the burning desire to follow Him all of my days. May this desire flourish and manifest itself in all areas of my life.

·        I became even more convinced that the only purpose of man is to bring glory to God. Apart from Him, we are nothing.

·        I was reminded of the power of a God who would come down to earth and die for those He loved. How could I do anything but offer Him my love in return, this King who loves so much that He would sacrifice Himself? How can I respond but to give Him my all, my everything?

Other:

·        Self-care in general got better. I enjoyed taking care of myself this week more than I have, even exfoliating my skin, which I have not done in years.

·        I got my hair done, and found a great new stylist.

·        I felt more peaceful about getting older, less dread than I had been experiencing before.

·        I experienced a joy that I haven’t felt in months.

·        I wanted to live again.

 

The not-as-good.

·        I was so tired and fatigued all weak, both physically and mentally, but not sure why. It was really hard to get things done at work, although I managed to get done the things I needed to.

·        I didn’t talk to many people at work, which left me feeling lonely, actually. I need to interact more during the week. It’s good for me.

·        I didn’t do as much strength training as I intended to. I think getting a gym membership would help. I did do a few planks, sit-ups, and weights interspersed throughout the week, but it was not much.

·        I felt a little more irritable and angrier than usual this week, probably because of starting the Wellbutrin again.

·        Continued to struggle with minor panic attacks throughout the week, especially when I think about the future. I need to remember to trust God and put my hope in Him. No matter what happens, nothing can take me from His hands. Not even death.

 

My goals for next week:

Mental / spiritual health:

·        Reflect on the daily Bible verse each day (reference it several times).

·        Weigh myself only twice. I think Wednesday and Sunday.

·        Actively look for opportunities to bless others.

·        Make an appointment with a counselor

·        Practice more mindfulness.

·        Attend first small group meeting.

 

Physical health:

·        Continue to limit/eliminate my consumption of white carbs and sugar. I have really benefitted from the reduced cravings and more regulated energy.

·        Reduce my caffeine intake. I have so much now that it doesn’t even really have an effect on me any more. Ideally, I would have 2 cups of coffee in the morning and one soda after lunch. Currently, I’m having 5-6 servings a day, and I think it’s stressing my adrenals out.

·        Eat more of a variety of vegetables. Gotta get those vitamins and minerals!

·        Have sardines at least once. What a nutritional powerhouse.

·        No alcohol again. If I make it past this next weekend, that will be the longest in months that I have gone without a drink. It’s so worth it.

·        Start taking magnesium supplements.

·        Daily: 150mg Wellbutrin, ½ stim, 2000 IU Vitamin D, multivitamin, 500mg calcium, 2 fish oil capsules. Every other day: Magnesium.

·        3-4 times: sleep supplement

·        Try to avoid ibuprofen and Tylenol when possible.

·        Make an appointment with an endocrinologist.

·        Go on 2-3 runs.

·        Go for a bike ride.

·        Strength training at least twice.

·        Go ahead and get a membership at Planet Fitness. It’s not that much per month, and it would really encourage me to ramp up the strength training.

Work:

·        Make more progress on pre-press project.

·        Run 2 cadence review calls.

·        Effectively communicate to our executive vice president the value of one of my coworker’s work. He is trying very hard to do the right thing for our company, and he needs support.

Other:

·        Send in foster parent paperwork.

·        More reading! I have two memoirs and a book on faith lined up.

·        Take care of my husband after his surgery Friday morning.

·        Order more contact lenses.

·        Cook for my husband, including freezing some meals for him to have during the week. I want him to have options other than having to always prepare food for himself.

 

 

Tired of being tired.

I'm so tired of being tired.

I'm foggy and lethargic from the moment I get up to when I lie down.

I'm hopeful that the end of this will soon enable me to define this period of my life.

You know, "That period after I quit my job where I relapsed into depression and bulimia. Then I recovered."

I'm 30. I don't want the next 10 years to look like this. Heck, I want them to be better than the last decade.

The weekend is approaching.

I can feel the old urge approaching with the end of the work week.

"You need a break. You need to relax, to forget. You deserve the sweet relief that drinking can give you."

The truth is, I deserve better. I deserve to be clear-headed and healthy. I deserve true relaxation, not the false chemical relaxation that alcohol induces.

There's so much I have left to do. Alcohol is hindering all of this.

Please God, don't let me give in to the self-destruction.

How about an evening spent reading on the couch, covered by a cozy blanket as the fan blows a gentle breeze? Maybe with some popcorn to nibble on. That used to be one of my favorite things to do before that demon came into my life. I miss those days.

It might not be perfect, but it's progress.

The past few weeks have been interesting. I've made some changes that I think are positive, but also had some struggles. Here's what I changed:

1. Switching to a low-carb diet. My low-carb diet has helped stabilize my mood and almost eliminated my cravings. I haven't stopped for fast food once since I began, with the exception of Subway (sans all but a bite or two of the bread). I honestly haven't felt nearly the desire to that I used to, and every day it gets easier.

I don't crave simple carbs nearly as much as I used to. Cookies, donuts, French fries - none of it really seems appealing anymore. Sure, every now and then I wish I had some cereal in the morning, but it's not like it used to be. It's harder to binge on veggies, protein, and healthy fats.

So mentally, low-carb helps me be in a better place. I still have energy to exercise, since my workouts are typically less than an hour long.

2. Exercising more. Almost every day I at least go for a walk. I've been running about 3 times a week, up to almost 3 miles now. I almost always feel better after exercising - it gives me a burst of energy and mental clarity.

3. Stopping Abilify. I had a sneaking suspicion that it was affecting my weight. In addition, it's not a nice drug to be on long-term - not a lot of data.

4. Starting Vitamin D supplements. My blood tests indicated that I was low, so I've started supplementing 2000 IU's per day.

5. Reduced Prozac from 40 mg to 20 mg per day.

The results:

1. Weight stabilization. For the most part, after I initially dropped a few 'pounds' (maybe water weight), my weight seems to vary less than it used to.

2. Mental fog / lethargy. I won't lie - the first couple of weeks were TOUGH. While it has gotten better, I'm still not 100%. After about a week, I started getting twitches in my legs at night, which would keep me from getting a good night's sleep. I didn't want to get up in the morning. At work, I was having the hardest time functioning. It was painful, but it has gotten better. My sleep is almost back to normal, although I'm still sleeping in whenever I have the opportunity and not waking up before my alarm on week days like I used to.

3. More acceptance of my body. I realize that health is about more than weight, and I am starting to take an active interest in healthy eating and exercise again.

What is not working:
1. I purged 5 times over the past 2 weeks. 4 of those times were related to excessive alcohol consumption.

2. I drank too much 4 times over the past 2 weeks. One incident involved a family gathering, and was particularly bad because I became involuntarily sick.

What's next:

1. Abstinence from alcohol through the end of September. I've only gone 13 days in a row before, during which time I saw a slight weight loss. The mental benefits were tremendous. I want to see if I can go a whole three weeks, then re-evaluate and see what the results are. I think this is really keeping me from truly being healthy. There's definitively a strong correlation between drinking and purging for me. Asking myself, "Is alcohol helping or hindering me from reaching my goals?" has a pretty clear answer.

2. No purging. This will be much easier with #1. I know that I've historically been at my highest weights when I have been purging the most. It's a horribly ineffective weight loss tool.

3. Continuing the low-carb diet & incorporating more vegetables. This really helps to keep the cravings down, and I notice that when I do have carbs I am much more affected by the subsequent blood sugar crash.

4. Continue the daily regimen of Vitamin D, a multi-vitamin, calcium, and fish oil supplements.

5. Continue 20 mg Prozac.

6. Start Wellbutrin again. This helped in the past, and I wish I had not stopped.

7. Find a counselor and begin regular therapy again.

8. Exercise most days of the week - I'm going to look into getting a gym membership as well.

9. Pray. Invest in my relationship with God. This is key.

10. Blogging. This has been a healthy outlet for me.

An experiment gone well.

This past week, I've lowered my carb intake drastically, and it seems to be working. I'm 'down' 4.6 lbs since that horrible day last week when I reached the highest weight I had in 2.5 years. Some of it might be water weight and the fact that I just finished up my period, but I don't think all of it.

The first couple of days were tough - a tremendous amount of brain fog. I was able to go for a run at the end of the second day, and I had decent energy.

Slowly,  I started to become less obsessed with eating. When your only options are veggies, protein, and fruit, you start to calm down when it comes to food. I didn't get as hungry.

This works. As long as I stick with it.

This has got to stop.

I've developed some bad habits over the past six months, habits that have resulted in negative consequences on my mind and body.

I'm ready to be done.

I've developed a taste for and have been indulging in:
Chips
French fries
Cookies
Donuts
Muffins
Candy
Bacon
Sausage biscuits
Bagels
McChicken sandwiches
Alcohol

Sometimes I chew and spit most of it out, sometimes only part of it.
I've gained about 10 lbs in the past 9 months. Not good. It's been a slow creep due to my eating habits.

I'm going to do better. I know I can.

My plan is to try to break the habit of stopping at drive-thrus, even if it has "only" been 2-3 times a week. It's adding up.

I'm so scared. I don't know how to deal with the anxiety and the depression without the instant comfort of food.

Most of my indulgences have been simple carbs. I don't want or need to eliminate them entirely, but given that I don't work out as much as I used to, I don't need that much.

Things that I enjoy that I can have when I'm having a sweet craving:
A mango
Strawberries
Blueberries
Jawbreaker (1-2)
Sugar free popsicles

I just need to retrain my taste buds. I want to start eating more veggies again, like I used to. I used to think they were delicious.

Have I mentioned that I am scared?

But I'm more scared of continuing to live this way.

A compromise?

Maybe I'm just kidding myself, and this isn't sustainable, but I've found an approach that might work.

Instead of all-or-nothing, I'm limiting drinking to Saturdays only.

With the exception of half of a rum-and-coke on Wednesday during a work social event, I've adhered to this plan this week. The week was good - decent energy and focus, and there was no worries about drinking too much at a work event. On the downside, I didn't enjoy the dinner and subsequent scavenger hunt as much, but it was worth it.

Yesterday I started drinking at 5 pm. I probably had 4-5 drinks, enough to get a little loopy.

It's not perfect, but progress over perfection. It might work.