Well I had made it to 24 days out of the original 30 before I quit after that little fiasco.
Fortunately, my measurements went down a little, although they are still not where they were prior to Whole30. My metabolism has definitely changed. Now, my body clings to weight.
I recovered from that terrible weekend from hell. When I got the courage to weigh myself again, I was relieved that the scale had 'only' gone up 3 lbs since I had started Whole30. Most people get to lose weight, but not me. I know it sounds like I"m having a pity party but I'm just at a loss. I know how to lose weight, but what I know isn't working any more. Something has changed.
So I'm learning to live with it. Part of me is terrified it will never stop, but part of me just wants to move on with my life and not let this hold me back. I'm still at the very low end of a 'healthy' weight range for my height. Many might say that the few 'extra' pounds (compared to a year ago) look good on me. There's so much more I want to do with my life than be obsessed with a number on a scale. That does not define me.
The past few weeks after Whole24 have had their ups and downs. Mentally I'm in a better place, maybe in part because I started an old medication back up. I have energy again.
It's going to be okay.
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Disaster
The last three days have been a nightmare.
It started with a guest bringing food into our house that we wouldn't normally have. Specifically, Halloween candy and cheesecake.
I did a good job of resisting until Friday. Then, I had an event at lunch at work where I ate a breaded chicken breast and half a bag of potato chips. Two things not allowed on Whole30.
Then I was feeling terrible that evening (I wonder why?) and when I came home, I chewed and spat and nibbled on some of the Halloween candy that I had previously been doing such a good job of resisting.
The next morning, I nibbled on some of the cheesecake and more of the Halloween candy. I felt so gross and sick to my stomach. I eventually made myself throw up. Then, to help assuage the guilt, I went for a walk. The entire time, I felt like my shorts fit differently.
I put on a different pair of shorts and felt the same thing. I couldn't resist it anymore. I broke out my tape measure for the first time in three weeks.
My thigh was up 0.65" and my butt had increased by 1" since I started Whole30.
I freaked out. I started crying. I felt so betrayed. I didn't think that a little "cheating" would make such a difference. I guess it was the cheating, because I hadn't noticed a difference in my clothes prior.
I cried and cried. I told my husband. He assured me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I felt so bad for having broken my Whole30, and at the 20 day mark, and for suffering the consequences.
I don't know that I have ever been so miserable in my life. I felt like such a failure. I desperately needed some kind of relief.
So I drank. Not as much as I might normally have under such conditions, but a half glass of wine and a couple of swigs of whiskey. Then, after I ran my Saturday errands, I drank another half glass of wine and about a shot of whiskey while I went for another walk, enjoying the sensation of my thighs rubbing together the entire time.
I begged God not to let me go.
I cried myself to sleep that night. My poor husband did not know what to say to help me.
Yesterday, I woke up reluctantly. Fortunately the candy and cheesecake were all thrown out. I forced myself to go to church, where the pastor spontaneously plead with the congregation to "surrender all, hold nothing back, stop compartmentalizing". I knew God meant that message for me.
The despair abated for a couple of hours. I stopped at Jason's Deli and got veggies, bacon, and hardboiled eggs for lunch. Whole30 compliant but too much salt. Full but dehydrated. I drove to go hiking with my family and was miserable the whole time. I snacked on the remaining lunch in the car on the way home, and stopped and got a McDonald's unsweet iced tea. I almost got fries too, but I did not. Thank goodness for small victories.
It started with a guest bringing food into our house that we wouldn't normally have. Specifically, Halloween candy and cheesecake.
I did a good job of resisting until Friday. Then, I had an event at lunch at work where I ate a breaded chicken breast and half a bag of potato chips. Two things not allowed on Whole30.
Then I was feeling terrible that evening (I wonder why?) and when I came home, I chewed and spat and nibbled on some of the Halloween candy that I had previously been doing such a good job of resisting.
The next morning, I nibbled on some of the cheesecake and more of the Halloween candy. I felt so gross and sick to my stomach. I eventually made myself throw up. Then, to help assuage the guilt, I went for a walk. The entire time, I felt like my shorts fit differently.
I put on a different pair of shorts and felt the same thing. I couldn't resist it anymore. I broke out my tape measure for the first time in three weeks.
My thigh was up 0.65" and my butt had increased by 1" since I started Whole30.
I freaked out. I started crying. I felt so betrayed. I didn't think that a little "cheating" would make such a difference. I guess it was the cheating, because I hadn't noticed a difference in my clothes prior.
I cried and cried. I told my husband. He assured me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I felt so bad for having broken my Whole30, and at the 20 day mark, and for suffering the consequences.
I don't know that I have ever been so miserable in my life. I felt like such a failure. I desperately needed some kind of relief.
So I drank. Not as much as I might normally have under such conditions, but a half glass of wine and a couple of swigs of whiskey. Then, after I ran my Saturday errands, I drank another half glass of wine and about a shot of whiskey while I went for another walk, enjoying the sensation of my thighs rubbing together the entire time.
I begged God not to let me go.
I cried myself to sleep that night. My poor husband did not know what to say to help me.
Yesterday, I woke up reluctantly. Fortunately the candy and cheesecake were all thrown out. I forced myself to go to church, where the pastor spontaneously plead with the congregation to "surrender all, hold nothing back, stop compartmentalizing". I knew God meant that message for me.
The despair abated for a couple of hours. I stopped at Jason's Deli and got veggies, bacon, and hardboiled eggs for lunch. Whole30 compliant but too much salt. Full but dehydrated. I drove to go hiking with my family and was miserable the whole time. I snacked on the remaining lunch in the car on the way home, and stopped and got a McDonald's unsweet iced tea. I almost got fries too, but I did not. Thank goodness for small victories.
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