Day 8: The end of the beginning.

The first week. Some say it's the hardest, some say it gets harder. Either way, it's done.

This was a seven day experiment, at the end of which I would evaluate the results and see if I wanted to continue or not.

I have and I do.

The good:

• I am more present in my life. I see and feel more.
• I found that I could thoroughly enjoy experiences, even when sober.
• I found that I could cope with two difficult incidents without the crutch of alcohol. I coped better than I would have had I been drinking.
• My life is more enjoyable more of the time. Before, it was like I put joy on hold until I could drink. The sad thing was, I could not find it there, either.
• I feel closer to God. I know He has helped me get through this week - I have no doubt He gave me strength to abstain a few times when it was particularly tough. When I was sinning, I felt separated from Him.
• I have found that it is possible to cope with and even enjoy life without alcohol.
• I sleep much more soundly. I wake up feeling rested and ready to start the day. In fact, it has been a little hard to fall asleep because I look forward to waking up so much.
• I am more available to those around me when they need me. Even when I was not actively drinking, it preoccupied my thoughts so much of the time.
• I've started to become interested in exercising more again as a method of stress relief.
• I've started to become more interested in a lot of things again.
• I found I could soothe myself without alcohol. It took longer, but I could do it.
• I have not purged or overeaten significantly during this time.
• I did not gain weight.

The not-so-good:

• I did not lose weight (part of it could be my period about to start). I thought I would at least lose a pound or so, but...
• I started snacking more, especially in the evenings. I seem to be craving some sort of "reward" to replace drinking.
• I don't have anything that soothes me quite as quickly as alcohol did other than food, and food not nearly as well. All my other coping mechanisms take longer to kick in.
• The anxiety has increased, or seems that way because I am not numbing it any more.
• My face has been breaking out a lot. I don't know if it's related or not, but it's been annoying.

What helped:

• Diet soda. I let myself have as much as I wanted, and it seemed to curb some of the "give me something, NOW" cravings.
• Hard candy. Just started this toward the end of the week, but I'm definitely going to rely on it more next week to keep cravings under control without a huge calorie impact.
• Going for walks, especially with my husband. After a particularly rough day at work on Friday, that's exactly what I did, and it helped a lot. By the end of the three miles, I felt calmer and more clear-headed about the situation, both from the exercise and from talking about it.
• Working in the yard. Doing something with my hands that I could see the results of felt very good.
• Listening to podcasts. This helps distract me.
• Watching mindless TV. It provides a bit of an escape, similar to what alcohol did. But with much less damage to my body and mind.
• Reading trash magazines. Like drinking, it feels like an indulgent escape. Unlike drinking, it is harmless.
• Journaling. Writing these blog posts has been cathartic, and I find a useful tool especially when I am getting that crazy panicky feeling.
• Wandering around a store. I did this Friday as a way to "reward" myself at the end of the week, and for the first fifteen minutes, it felt good. Then I got panicky again and needed to leave, but it did help initially.
• Not feeling guilty if I wasn't always doing something productive. I pretty much gave myself permission to do anything (within reason) except drink, and that was freeing.

Do I want to continue this experiment?
Well, do I want to continue feeling free? Feeling happiness? Being interested in life other than drinking again?

The answer is a resounding YES.

I'm not sure what's ahead, but I know the week behind me has been one of the best of my life. I am willing to keep trying this, one day at a time.

Day 7.2: A good day to be sober.

Today (Saturday) was the toughest day so far.

My husband had a job-related crisis, and I needed to be there to support him emotionally.

And because I was not drinking, I was fully available.  If ever there was a time to be sober, it was then. Thank you, God.

But it was stressful, and it was Saturday afternoon. It would have been so easy to go out and get drinks to help ourselves feel better. I even said, "I wish there was a winery around here like there was at our old house."

We eventually settled on going downtown with no plan other than to just wander around until we saw somewhere interesting to stop and eat. And maybe drink.

I came so close.

But there was a breeze blowing, and there were people out and about, laughing and happy. Music was in the air, and the sun shone through the skyscrapers.

It was too perfect of an evening to ruin by drinking.

If I had gone downtown with the plan to drink, I would have missed seeing the beauty around me. I would have been focused on one thing only: getting a good buzz on, so THEN I could enjoy things.

But joy was already there. I didn't need to drink to have it. So I didn't.

And despite the crisis and the strain, it was a wonderful day.

Thank you, God.

Day 7.1: Where I found I could cope.

There's something about making the better, albeit more difficult, choice that is incredibly empowering.

I did not drink last night. I wanted to, so badly. Instead, I told myself I could do anything (within reason) except drink.

So I stopped at Big Lots and looked at random things. I bought a bag of chips and a bag of cookies and ate a little of each and threw the rest away. I got stuck in traffic, and remembered the time I was stuck and frustrated and just went ahead and opened the bottle of vodka. I was grateful there was no bottle to open this time. There was also less of that desperate fuel inside my head.

Then I texted my husband and asked him if he would go for a walk with me when I got home. I stopped at Walmart and got diet soda and three big bags of mulch. Then we went for a three mile walk, during which we both ranted and vented about our bad days. Hearing about his bad day helped put mine in perspective.

I could not have done that if I was drinking.

After we were done, I felt a little better, but I had more work to do. I put a podcast on, and split open those bags of mulch. As the dirt and sweat began to accumulate on my skin, the feelings of loss, fear, and anger began to dissipate.

I showered and it felt good. I got four popsicles (yes, four), and went to bed and read for a couple of hours. When I turned the lights out, however, I could not fall asleep.

I tossed and turned. I thought about getting up, but I did not. Before finally drifting off to sleep, I remember feeling excited about the upcoming day. The plans for which did not include drinking, for once.

I did not sleep well and woke up too early. But it was still better than any morning after a night of drinking. I drank my coffee and ate my sugary cereal, then I let myself have a diet soda. And it was okay.

Those feelings last night of tension, sadness, loss, anger? They did pass, even with a poor night's sleep.

God has given me this day, and for that, I am grateful. I believe He will help get me through this night, the first dry Saturday in a very long time.

I wonder what Sunday morning will feel like. My first week of sobriety

Day 6: Friday fear.

I'm really struggling today. My weight is the same as it was when I began this 'experiment.' At one point this week, my weight was lower than it had been last, but it went back up again. I thought for sure that quitting drinking would result in at least a little weight loss, but it has not. It could be because I have been snacking more in the evenings, especially on sugar and simple carbs, probably as a physical replacement for the alcohol. Plus, I subconsciously I think I can "afford" more food since I'm not spending calories on alcohol.

 

The thought of gaining more weight makes me want to scream. I know I'm technically slightly underweight right now but I just can't deal with being bigger. But previously I always gained/maintained on weekends that I drank (which was every weekend). So this is a chance to see if things can be different.

 

I have to remember that the right process will yield the right results. This doesn't mean that quitting drinking won't help with weight loss. It means that I need to re-evaluate my process. The sugar cravings will pass. This is temporary. I have to remember that and push through. I know I have to go back to counting calories. That's the main thing that has worked in the past because it keeps me accountable. I've been focusing on measuring the output (weight). I need to measure the input (calories and exercise). It's the inputs that create the output.

 

So I will start - NOW. Today I've already had a couple of cups of sugary cereal, a cookie, three saltines, and a part of a soft pretzel for "breakfast." Definitely craving carbs. This will pass.

 

Life is still better this way. Even if I gain five more pounds, it's still better than wasting my time and health.

Last night, I had my first drinking dream. I dreamed that I had a wine sampler. It was so good, but then I felt overwhelming guilt. I actually recall forcing myself to wake up from the dream so I could confirm it wasn't real.

The mornings are still better. I wake up clear headed and ready to start the day. Sometimes I feel panicked during the day though. The anxiety is worse without drinking to numb it, and now I have to deal with it head-on.

 

God, please help me.

 

-Later-

 

Wow. Tonight is going to be tough. First, it's Friday, probably the first one in ages that I haven't had at least one drink.

Second, I had a horrible day. Physically, I didn't feel great, and then I felt like I was disrespected at work.

Third, I'm stressed about an upcoming work event that I've never done before where I'm going to have to be "on" for 3 days. I'm terrified.

Fourth, my weight was up today. I've gained about 5-6 pounds since leaving Toyota in December. It's killing me. My pants feel tight and I just feel so fat and worthless.

Fat and worthless. Those two words sum me up pretty well right now. I wish I could have a drink and forget it all.

This too shall pass.

I repeat: God, please help me.

Day 5: What seems like a setback.

I gained a pound and 0.1 inch since yesterday's weigh-in and now I'm freaking out and questioning everything. My weight is the same as it was last week at this time, when I was drinking. So what's the point?

I need to remember why I am doing this. It's about much more than weight. Besides, the right process will yield the right results. This is the right process. The results will come. Right now my body is healing and adjusting to the new normal.

The gain could be a normal fluctuation, or it could be because I have been snacking more in the evenings, probably to try to fill the void.

I have noticed that I am feeling things more now that I'm not numbing them like before. The anxiety is stronger, but I'm able to channel some of it into productive preparation. I would say I have accomplished more at work this week than last week.

Remember, this is a 7 day trial to try and see if this way is better.

 

Despite the "gain", it still is. I'm better able to focus and take more delight in the smaller things. The time that I'm not drinking (all the time, now) is better than it was before, although I miss the anticipation. I have to find other things to look forward to. Other ways to soothe myself that aren't destructive.

 

I know it is better this way. I can't let the emotions, which are stronger now that I'm not numbing them, sabotage my progress.

I just wish I could lose the weight. But first things first. First, I must lose the sickness.

 

Even though the weekend will be dry, I'm still looking forward to it. Life is more than alcohol.

Day 4: Withdrawal.

Yesterday, in a meeting, my hands started shaking uncontrollably. Maybe it was because the room was cold, or my blood sugar was low. Or, as I just learned, maybe it was because withdrawal peaks about 72 hours after the last drink.

 

It was 60 hours since my last one.

Alcohol really is a poison, and I think I really have hurt myself. The rest of the day, I felt weak and fatigued, and my stomach was unsettled. I knew that having a drink might make me feel better, but I was not going there.

 

This morning I nearly leapt out of bed because I felt so refreshed and ready to take on the day.

 

I'm down a pound and almost a quarter of an inch on my thigh. I'm having small but frequent BMs.

During the day, I still feel tired a lot. I read that it takes a good 30 days for the mental fog to lift. I probably consume too much caffeine. But that is a problem to tackle another day. One thing at a time.

I wonder what the weekend will be like without drinking. Instead of dreading it, I'm going to focus on taking the approach of "try and see". Maybe it won't be so bad. I need to plan something to look forward to on Friday night, to replace the drinking. I am thinking laying on the couch, reading trash magazines and eating popsicles. Sounds divine.

I'm amazed by the body's capacity to heal.

 

Day 3: Even better.

God is helping me. The social event last night got cancelled.

 

Today, I physically feel even better and I have more mental clarity. There's still this uncomfortable desire for "something more." I want some kind of escape.

 

I have noticed more of a tendency to linger on thinking about solving a problem, instead of trying to push it to the back of my mind until I can numb myself with drink.

Last night, I went for a walk with my husband and found plenty to talk about. It turns out some things are still enjoyable sober. Maybe even more so, since I know I will remember the conversation.

I see now just how much I was hurrying up my life until when I could drink again, then it went by so quickly. What a waste.

 

The small things are more noticeable. This was the right choice. Maybe just for now, but it was the right choice.

 

There's so much more. Thank you, God, for preserving my life.

Day 2: Clarity ensues.

I feel more clear-headed. It's a joy not to wake up with a headache. I have better focus, and I'm more relaxed - not as antsy or on edge. I experienced few moments of depression, but not worse than any other days.

 

My weight went up a pound today, which I wasn't expecting. But my stomach is very bloated. My thigh measures 19.25" which is more consistent with a weight 3-4 lbs less. We'll see. It's probably my body just balancing itself out. I've put it under a lot of stress lately.

My throat hurts a little. I've been so hard on it.
 

There's less of that crawling feeling - the feeling of "if only I could have a drink, I would feel better." When it's not even an option, you have to think of other ways. But I have the freedom to choose a way to make myself feel better that doesn't ultimately hurt me

 

Mostly, I feel relieved that it's over and that I survived. I'm not sure how much longer I could have gone on, and that was a weight on my mind. I read somewhere that very few people regret the decision to become sober. There are some negative consequences, but they are far outweighed by the positive ones. It's better this way. There's hope down this road. There was no hope down the road I was headed. I knew where it would end up - in a hospital and/or a grave.

 

Weekend afternoons/evenings will be the hardest. Drinking was what I looked forward to. But I'm excited to look forward to other things. To appreciate the smaller things, instead of having my view blurred by alcohol. To see again.

I did yard work yesterday evening sober and you know what? I still enjoyed it. And I did a better job. Drinking makes my work sloppy.

I wonder how many other things I will uncover during sobriety, things I completely missed while I was wasted. Ways I could have been available. Ways I could have contributed. Things I could have enjoyed if I could only have seen them.

 

There's much that I won't miss:

• I won't miss the guilt over talking to my little sister while having even just a little alcohol in my system. It felt incongruous.
• I won't miss trying to control the slurring of my speech.
• I won't miss feeling ashamed about my sloppy behavior in front of family, or wondering if they could tell just how drunk I really was.
• I won't miss the guilt over the alcohol calories and possibly the poor food choices I made. So many of my purging incidents have been provoked by drinking.
• I won't miss forcing myself to throw up because I'm just so uncomfortably full of the horrible combination of too much food, drink, and guilt.
• I won't miss spending $12-$14 a week on liquor, more if we went out. Estimated yearly savings, at $15 average per week: At least $780. Wow. $60 a month. Maybe I'll take some of that savings when milestones are reached to celebrate somehow.
• I won't miss getting crappy nights' sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and get medicine for my pounding headache.
• I won't miss the tight feeling in my chest.
• I won't miss deceiving others about how much I'm really drinking.
• I won't miss how I waited with bated breath until I could start drinking. It's almost like every enjoyment was on hold until then. What about the rest of the life, the majority of
  

I feel nervous about the weekend. That's where the real challenge will be. But last week by this time, I had 2-3 drinks on both Sunday and Monday. This week, none. I feel nervous about a social event tonight. I know I will be tempted to drink.

So far, I have enjoyed feeling more relaxed with eating, since I don't have to "save" calories for alcohol Also, the joy of a good night's sleep. I woke up feeling rested and ready to take on the day.

 

I am craving sugar a little bit - wish I could find somewhere to purchase Jawbreakers.

 

Life is more enjoyable more of the time without drinking. There's a quote that resonates with me.  "Your worst day sober is better than your best day drunk"

 

Day 1: How It Began.

This is day one of my final recovery.

This is the beginning of loosening the hold that the demon of self-destruction has on my life. This is the day that the chains of alcohol and purging begin to fall. This is the chapter in the book where the story turns from darkness to light.

This is the day that God begins making me new.

The back story: I have been purging on-and-off for twelve years. The longest I've gone without purging was just over 7 months, and it was 7 months of glorious freedom. Then I slipped once. And again. And again. Now I am here, purging 1-3 times a week, almost always on the weekends when I feel like I have overindulged.

Then there's the alcohol. It began its insidious grip on me about 7 years ago, slowly then with increasing frequency. I tried to cut back occasionally. I tried to use the "evidence" of my control over my behavior - the seeming lack of consequences other than a hangover - as justification of my lack of a problem.

Then I drove when I shouldn't have.  Even worse, I was driving looking for a place to purge. I am grateful beyond words no one was hurt except me, and 'only' directly from the drinking and purging, not because of a car wreck.

I crossed a line I never thought I would cross. Then, last night, my dear husband had to deal with the ugly drunk self that sometimes comes out. I cross over from being the happy, relaxed, affectionate person that I think I can only access by drinking to the drunk that cries and hyperventilates and wants to die. That one.

But I've always known my drinking and purging would end one of two ways - in stopping, or in my death. I don't think there is a middle here. Maybe someday I will find one with the drinking, but it's not now. And the purging serves no purpose except self-destruction. I am destroying my body from the inside out.

I was destroying my body. Now, not even twenty-four hours after the last time I got drunk, I am starting to heal, molecule by molecule as my body rids itself of this poison.

I am not sure what these next few hours, days, months hold. Drinking and purging had a function in my life. They helped me cope, albeit not well, with my depression and anxiety. They were my outlet and my respite from the stress of life. Without them, something will need to fill the void.

I want it to be Him. He's the only One who truly can.

But I'll need other pragmatic measures, as well. What will I do at the end of a stressful workweek, when I feel like I need to reward myself? What about when I'm feeling nervous about a social situation? Or when I desperately want to escape the painful space of my mind at times?

I'm not sure what the answer is, quite frankly. I am going to have to trust God to help me show me the solutions. I don't have to worry about all those situations right now, though. All I have to worry about is the hour in front of me, and then the next, and the next. He will make a way, because I am doing this in love. Love for Him, and love for myself. I am a child of God. I don't belong in bondage to sin.

I think it's important to acknowledge that purging and abusing alcohol is sin, because it's desecrating the temple of the Holy Spirit - my body. I am not my own - I was bought with a price. When I destroy my body, I sin against Him.

No more. This is where I choose to live...for Him. I choose to live in freedom.

Now the curse of sin has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.
"Man of Sorrows"