Day 6: Friday fear.

I'm really struggling today. My weight is the same as it was when I began this 'experiment.' At one point this week, my weight was lower than it had been last, but it went back up again. I thought for sure that quitting drinking would result in at least a little weight loss, but it has not. It could be because I have been snacking more in the evenings, especially on sugar and simple carbs, probably as a physical replacement for the alcohol. Plus, I subconsciously I think I can "afford" more food since I'm not spending calories on alcohol.

 

The thought of gaining more weight makes me want to scream. I know I'm technically slightly underweight right now but I just can't deal with being bigger. But previously I always gained/maintained on weekends that I drank (which was every weekend). So this is a chance to see if things can be different.

 

I have to remember that the right process will yield the right results. This doesn't mean that quitting drinking won't help with weight loss. It means that I need to re-evaluate my process. The sugar cravings will pass. This is temporary. I have to remember that and push through. I know I have to go back to counting calories. That's the main thing that has worked in the past because it keeps me accountable. I've been focusing on measuring the output (weight). I need to measure the input (calories and exercise). It's the inputs that create the output.

 

So I will start - NOW. Today I've already had a couple of cups of sugary cereal, a cookie, three saltines, and a part of a soft pretzel for "breakfast." Definitely craving carbs. This will pass.

 

Life is still better this way. Even if I gain five more pounds, it's still better than wasting my time and health.

Last night, I had my first drinking dream. I dreamed that I had a wine sampler. It was so good, but then I felt overwhelming guilt. I actually recall forcing myself to wake up from the dream so I could confirm it wasn't real.

The mornings are still better. I wake up clear headed and ready to start the day. Sometimes I feel panicked during the day though. The anxiety is worse without drinking to numb it, and now I have to deal with it head-on.

 

God, please help me.

 

-Later-

 

Wow. Tonight is going to be tough. First, it's Friday, probably the first one in ages that I haven't had at least one drink.

Second, I had a horrible day. Physically, I didn't feel great, and then I felt like I was disrespected at work.

Third, I'm stressed about an upcoming work event that I've never done before where I'm going to have to be "on" for 3 days. I'm terrified.

Fourth, my weight was up today. I've gained about 5-6 pounds since leaving Toyota in December. It's killing me. My pants feel tight and I just feel so fat and worthless.

Fat and worthless. Those two words sum me up pretty well right now. I wish I could have a drink and forget it all.

This too shall pass.

I repeat: God, please help me.