Day 1, again.

The good news: I haven't gotten drunk this past week.

The bad news: I had 1 drink Thursday night, 2-3 drinks Friday evening, and 3-4 Saturday evening/afternoon.  So much for abstinence.

I learned something interesting though. That's about as far as I can go drinking without getting sloppy and crazy. So that's what "max" should look like.

And it wasn't that fun. Towards the end of last night, I just thought, "This isn't even worth it. It doesn't make me feel that much different / better."

But it does make me sluggish, slow, and gain weight. So what's the point?

It's more than not wanting to harm myself or shorten my life. I don't know that I want alcohol in my life. It's not that great.

Day 2 of 30

It was a good day.

I felt a little nauseous during the day, but not bad. The occasional sugar craving was satisfied by a hard candy.

I know tomorrow might be harder. It's the 72 hour mark.

There are so many reasons to do this. I'm already looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning, feeling fresh and new instead of broken and worn.

Maybe this is vain, but some of my motivation is the couple of pounds I've gained these past couple of weeks. I'm done. I've had it. I'm tired of losing control - first of drinking, which leads to eating.

I'm looking forward to rediscovering joy.

Day 1/30: In which I begin an experiment.

I guess this is what they call 'falling off the wagon.'

I don't want this anymore. I want to be made new.

30 days. Then I will decide which way I'd rather live.

Day 2: The lie of free drinks.

It's the morning of day two, and already, I'm appreciating not waking up feeling dead.

I'm surrounded by temptation. At home last night, there are several open bottles of wine from the family get-together. This morning, I got upgraded to first class and lounge access. Free drinks. Except they are anything but free.

This morning, I weighed the most I have in over a year. 126 lbs. A year ago, I was closer to 116. This makes me want to...drink, of course. To forget. Except that's what I did Saturday and look where it got me - 3 pounds 'heavier'.

I don't know where the road ahead of me leads. Maybe it leads to weight loss, or weight gain. Whatever it is, at least I will be facing it sober.

Come to think of it, all of my quick weight gain has been after a night or two of heavy drinking, which can lead to heavy eating.

If I were to lose again, maintenance would be much easier without the complications of alcohol.

But my weight is secondary to my sobriety.

I can't even describe the hope I have.

"Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror, there Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow God I know Your light will meet me there
When fear comes knocking, there You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble, there You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle God I know Your peace will meet me here."
-"Prince of Peace", Hillsong United

Day 1.5: All things new.

It's day one of the rest of my life.

I am so grateful to God for allowing me to make it to this turning point.

My heart is full of repentance. I want this more than anything. More than losing weight. I want to be whole.

This time, I know what the first two weeks look like. I know there will be ups and downs, but mostly ups.

Oh God, I want this. I want to stop abusing the body You gave me, the temple in which You live. I'm so sorry for what I've done.

Make me new.

Twelve years ago to this day, I overdosed on Nyquil. I did not know it then, but it was the start of my alcohol abuse. I just wanted to escape.

Now I finally will.

Praise the One who restores broken things.

Day 1: In which I find hope in failure.

I blew it.

Last night, I was going to have a couple of glasses of wine as an experiment. Could I do it? Could I drink normally, and find contentment in moderation?

The answer was a resounding 'no', and in my failure, I find hope.

Hope because now I know for sure that life is better without alcohol. I genuinely regret not fully experiencing the time with my family yesterday. I regret being sloppy and not completely with it. I regret overeating and making myself throw up. I regret sleeping terribly and waking up bloated and nauseous with a pounding headache. I regret stepping on the scale to see it rise, again.

I regret choosing that first drink, because the distance between one and too many is terribly short.

But greater than my regrets is my overwhelming desire to live sober. To be fully awake and present in the life God has given me.

I tried moderation, and it did not work. I don't have to drink. I don't have to go down that dark road ever again. It's my choice.

And in this failure, I find freedom.

Day 13: Beginning of a long weekend.

Today I am off from work. Last night, I really wanted to celebrate the upcoming long weekend by...drinking, of course. I was so close.

But I'm at a point where it is easier not to even get started. Instead, I watched TV with my husband while eating popsicles and then crocheting. Maybe not the most raucous of celebrations, but enjoyable nonetheless.

I asked God to help me not to drink, but it was half-hearted. However, He still came through for me. 

I will be honest - I am thinking about having a glass or two of wine tomorrow at the family gathering. I don't know if moderation is in the future for me. I'll have to think about it.

Despite not getting a lot of sleep last night, I feel good physically and mentally. I think that when I was drinking so much, I kind of got used to feeling 'off' all the time. It's refreshing to feel good most of the time, now.

Day 12: Better this way.

Yesterday and the day before,  I really wanted to drink in the evenings. I even had ample opportunity as I was alone in the kitchen with my husband's new bottle of whiskey.

But something held me back.

Yesterday, I felt so frustrated yesterday because I 'gained' 2 lbs overnight, putting me at the heaviest I've been in years. I thought stopping drinking would result in weight loss, not gain. I know I've been craving sugar more.

But fortunately today, I dropped 1.6 of those two lbs, so maybe it was just water weight. I'm sure that alcohol had dehydrated me, making my weight seem lighter than it really was. It's still frustrating though.

I have to remember why I am doing this. Weight is not the primary motivator. Alcohol was ironically robbing me of my joy in life, making it so the only time I could be 'happy' was when I was drinking, and then I was miserable the rest of the time. Now, I can say I'm not miserable when I'm not drinking. I look forward to things outside of alcohol. Like tomorrow, on my day off, I'm planning a big grocery shopping trip and a healthy lunch at Jason's Deli. Maybe a pedicure as well, with all the money I've saved on not buying alcohol (through this weekend, at least $30 worth -that's a pedicure!) And doing cleaning around the house. I actually find it soothing and look forward to it.

Life continues to be better this way, regardless of my weight.

Day 10: Life is not fair.

Today, my weight was down 0.4 lbs and I feel a little less lethargic. But it is really hard to focus on work. I have no meetings, and the day seems to stretch on endlessly. It's hard to get motivated on even the simplest of tasks. And I feel demotivated by what happened yesterday...in addition to already feeling sad and lethargic, I got some disappointing news. I am no longer going to get to go to some training I have been really looking for. Of course, I wanted to drown my sorrows in drink. Instead, I went to the store and wandered around, talked to my husband at length, went for a walk, and watched a TV show.

 

And it was okay. I was okay. This past week, I have been learning that I can handle tough stuff without turning to drink. Yes, I have to feel it and that stinks, but it's better than stuffing it down temporarily only to have it bubble up later.

 

Another positive that I have noticed is that it is very rare for me to have headaches now. I think I've had 1-2 total in the past 10 days, and very mild ones at that.

It's amazing to have things other than drinking to look forward to. Again.I'm going to explore other soothing activities like crocheting and maybe those adult coloring books. It sounds silly, but it beats drinking.

The more distance I put between myself and drinking, the more foreign it seems. I remember at the beginning I couldn't see how I could live without it. Now I can see the possibility,  and it's not as frightening.

Day 9: Lethargy.

This morning, I was 0.9 pounds "lighter" than I was a week ago, if there's truly a difference. I'm still frustrated, though, because I've gained about 6 lbs in the past 6 months. 5 of those pounds were just in the past three months. And the weight gain doesn't seem to be leveling off. t

I know that stopping drinking will help, even if it is hard at first. The reduction alcohol and binge food calories have to show up somewhere eventually. I won't give up.

I feel sad and lethargic today, as well as anxious about next week. I'm trying to channel that anxiety into preparation for next week, which should help reduce the anxiety. I know I can do this. It doesn't have to be perfect. Practicing is the only way I will get better.

Remember, it's to be expected that my emotions will be more intense since I'm not numbing them. It's okay to feel them. I don't think I'm going insane, but sometimes it feels like I am.

All I wanted to do this morning was EAT. It was so hard to direct my focus to work and not just stare at the screen, doing nothing.

It's after lunch and I feel depressed. I've had 650 calories so far. I feel satiated yet sad.