I feel more clear-headed. It's a joy not to wake up with a headache. I have better focus, and I'm more relaxed - not as antsy or on edge. I experienced few moments of depression, but not worse than any other days.
My weight went up a pound today, which I wasn't expecting. But my stomach is very bloated. My thigh measures 19.25" which is more consistent with a weight 3-4 lbs less. We'll see. It's probably my body just balancing itself out. I've put it under a lot of stress lately.
My throat hurts a little. I've been so hard on it.
There's less of that crawling feeling - the feeling of "if only I could have a drink, I would feel better." When it's not even an option, you have to think of other ways. But I have the freedom to choose a way to make myself feel better that doesn't ultimately hurt me
Mostly, I feel relieved that it's over and that I survived. I'm not sure how much longer I could have gone on, and that was a weight on my mind. I read somewhere that very few people regret the decision to become sober. There are some negative consequences, but they are far outweighed by the positive ones. It's better this way. There's hope down this road. There was no hope down the road I was headed. I knew where it would end up - in a hospital and/or a grave.
Weekend afternoons/evenings will be the hardest. Drinking was what I looked forward to. But I'm excited to look forward to other things. To appreciate the smaller things, instead of having my view blurred by alcohol. To see again.
I did yard work yesterday evening sober and you know what? I still enjoyed it. And I did a better job. Drinking makes my work sloppy.
I wonder how many other things I will uncover during sobriety, things I completely missed while I was wasted. Ways I could have been available. Ways I could have contributed. Things I could have enjoyed if I could only have seen them.
There's much that I won't miss:
- I won't miss the guilt over talking to my little sister while having even just a little alcohol in my system. It felt incongruous.
- I won't miss trying to control the slurring of my speech.
- I won't miss feeling ashamed about my sloppy behavior in front of family, or wondering if they could tell just how drunk I really was.
- I won't miss the guilt over the alcohol calories and possibly the poor food choices I made. So many of my purging incidents have been provoked by drinking.
- I won't miss forcing myself to throw up because I'm just so uncomfortably full of the horrible combination of too much food, drink, and guilt.
- I won't miss spending $12-$14 a week on liquor, more if we went out. Estimated yearly savings, at $15 average per week: At least $780. Wow. $60 a month. Maybe I'll take some of that savings when milestones are reached to celebrate somehow.
- I won't miss getting crappy nights' sleep and waking up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and get medicine for my pounding headache.
- I won't miss the tight feeling in my chest.
- I won't miss deceiving others about how much I'm really drinking.
- I won't miss how I waited with bated breath until I could start drinking. It's almost like every enjoyment was on hold until then. What about the rest of the life, the majority of
I feel nervous about the weekend. That's where the real challenge will be. But last week by this time, I had 2-3 drinks on both Sunday and Monday. This week, none. I feel nervous about a social event tonight. I know I will be tempted to drink.
So far, I have enjoyed feeling more relaxed with eating, since I don't have to "save" calories for alcohol Also, the joy of a good night's sleep. I woke up feeling rested and ready to take on the day.
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