Day 1: How It Began.

This is day one of my final recovery.

This is the beginning of loosening the hold that the demon of self-destruction has on my life. This is the day that the chains of alcohol and purging begin to fall. This is the chapter in the book where the story turns from darkness to light.

This is the day that God begins making me new.

The back story: I have been purging on-and-off for twelve years. The longest I've gone without purging was just over 7 months, and it was 7 months of glorious freedom. Then I slipped once. And again. And again. Now I am here, purging 1-3 times a week, almost always on the weekends when I feel like I have overindulged.

Then there's the alcohol. It began its insidious grip on me about 7 years ago, slowly then with increasing frequency. I tried to cut back occasionally. I tried to use the "evidence" of my control over my behavior - the seeming lack of consequences other than a hangover - as justification of my lack of a problem.

Then I drove when I shouldn't have.  Even worse, I was driving looking for a place to purge. I am grateful beyond words no one was hurt except me, and 'only' directly from the drinking and purging, not because of a car wreck.

I crossed a line I never thought I would cross. Then, last night, my dear husband had to deal with the ugly drunk self that sometimes comes out. I cross over from being the happy, relaxed, affectionate person that I think I can only access by drinking to the drunk that cries and hyperventilates and wants to die. That one.

But I've always known my drinking and purging would end one of two ways - in stopping, or in my death. I don't think there is a middle here. Maybe someday I will find one with the drinking, but it's not now. And the purging serves no purpose except self-destruction. I am destroying my body from the inside out.

I was destroying my body. Now, not even twenty-four hours after the last time I got drunk, I am starting to heal, molecule by molecule as my body rids itself of this poison.

I am not sure what these next few hours, days, months hold. Drinking and purging had a function in my life. They helped me cope, albeit not well, with my depression and anxiety. They were my outlet and my respite from the stress of life. Without them, something will need to fill the void.

I want it to be Him. He's the only One who truly can.

But I'll need other pragmatic measures, as well. What will I do at the end of a stressful workweek, when I feel like I need to reward myself? What about when I'm feeling nervous about a social situation? Or when I desperately want to escape the painful space of my mind at times?

I'm not sure what the answer is, quite frankly. I am going to have to trust God to help me show me the solutions. I don't have to worry about all those situations right now, though. All I have to worry about is the hour in front of me, and then the next, and the next. He will make a way, because I am doing this in love. Love for Him, and love for myself. I am a child of God. I don't belong in bondage to sin.

I think it's important to acknowledge that purging and abusing alcohol is sin, because it's desecrating the temple of the Holy Spirit - my body. I am not my own - I was bought with a price. When I destroy my body, I sin against Him.

No more. This is where I choose to live...for Him. I choose to live in freedom.

Now the curse of sin has no hold on me
Whom the Son sets free, is free indeed.
"Man of Sorrows"