Disaster

The last three days have been a nightmare.

It started with a guest bringing food into our house that we wouldn't normally have. Specifically, Halloween candy and cheesecake.

I did a good job of resisting until Friday. Then, I had an event at lunch at work where I ate a breaded chicken breast and half a bag of potato chips. Two things not allowed on Whole30.

Then I was feeling terrible that evening (I wonder why?) and when I came home, I chewed and spat and nibbled on some of the Halloween candy that I had previously been doing such a good job of resisting.

The next morning, I nibbled on some of the cheesecake and more of the Halloween candy. I felt so gross and sick to my stomach. I eventually made myself throw up. Then, to help assuage the guilt, I went for a walk. The entire time, I felt like my shorts fit differently.

I put on a different pair of shorts and felt the same thing. I couldn't resist it anymore. I broke out my tape measure for the first time in three weeks.

My thigh was up 0.65" and my butt had increased by 1" since I started Whole30.

I freaked out. I started crying. I felt so betrayed. I didn't think that a little "cheating" would make such a difference. I guess it was the cheating, because I hadn't noticed a difference in my clothes prior.

I cried and cried. I told my husband. He assured me he hadn't noticed any weight gain. I felt so bad for having broken my Whole30, and at the 20 day mark, and for suffering the consequences.

I don't know that I have ever been so miserable in my life. I felt like such a failure. I desperately needed some kind of relief.

So I drank. Not as much as I might normally have under such conditions, but a half glass of wine and a couple of swigs of whiskey. Then, after I ran my Saturday errands, I drank another half glass of wine and about a shot of whiskey while I went for another walk, enjoying the sensation of my thighs rubbing together the entire time.

I begged God not to let me go.

I cried myself to sleep that night. My poor husband did not know what to say to help me.

Yesterday, I woke up reluctantly. Fortunately the candy and cheesecake were all thrown out. I forced myself to go to church, where the pastor spontaneously plead with the congregation to "surrender all, hold nothing back, stop compartmentalizing". I knew God meant that message for me.

The despair abated for a couple of hours. I stopped at Jason's Deli and got veggies, bacon, and hardboiled eggs for lunch. Whole30 compliant but too much salt. Full but dehydrated. I drove to go hiking with my family and was miserable the whole time. I snacked on the remaining lunch in the car on the way home, and stopped and got a McDonald's unsweet iced tea. I almost got fries too, but I did not. Thank goodness for small victories.